The War of the Simpsons
Three Men and a Comic Book
Blood Feud
(Living room. Homer is schlumpily watching TV.)
Marge: Homer, it is seriously starting to pour. Will you please check on the boys?
(Homer looks out the window when two bolts of lighting illuminate the yard, showing Bart and Milhouse fighting. One bolt barely misses the treehouse.)
Homer: They are fine.

Comic Book Guy: Looks like you got more than you bargained for. (laughs sinisterly)

Lisa: If we don't get to the convention soon, all the good comics will be gone!
Bart: Ah, what do you care about good comics? All you ever buy is Casper the Wimpy Ghost.
Lisa: I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity.
Bart: Well, you know what I think? I think Casper is the ghost of Richie Rich. (shows comics of Casper and Richie Rich)
Lisa: Hey, they do look alike!
Bart: Wonder how Richie died.
Lisa: Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money really is and took his own life.
Marge: Kids, could you lighten up a little?

Homer: A hundred bucks? For a comic book! Who drew it, Micha-ma-langelo?

Marge: (to Bart) So maybe a part-time job is the answer.
Bart: Aw, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie, and Lisa is such a handful...
Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid.

(Bart, Milhouse, and Martin Prince discuss their ownership of the comic.)
Martin Prince: How about this, guys? Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays, Milhouse will get it Tuesdays and Fridays, and yours truly will take it Wednesdays and Saturdays.
Bart: Perfect!
Milhouse: Wait a minute! What about Sundays?
Bart: (suspiciously) Yeah, what about Sundays?
Martin Prince: Well, Sunday possession will be determined by a random number generator. I will take the digits 1 through 3, Milhouse will have 4 through 6, and Bart will have 7 through 9.
Bart: Perfect!
Milhouse: Wait a minute! What about 0?
Bart: (suspiciously) Yeah, what about 0?
Milhouse: Yeah!
Martin Prince: Well, in the unlikely event of a 0, possession will be determined by rock scissors paper competition, best 3 out of 5, how's that?
(Bart and Milhouse agree.)

Martin Prince: (to Comic Book Guy about the Radioactive Man comic) Can you let me have it for $40?
Comic Book Guy: $40? You made me get off my stool for that?
Martin Prince: It's all I got. I sold seeds. I visited my aunt in the nursing home. I fished a dime out of the sewer for God's sake!

Bart: (about Milhouse) Hey, Martin, tell him what we do with squealers.
Martin Prince: (tied to a chair looking worried) I don't know. Is it worse than what you do with people who have to go to the bathroom?

Bart: (after the Radioactive Man comic is ruined) We worked so hard and now it's all gone. We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share.
Milhouse: What's your point?
Bart: Nothing, just kind of ticks me off.

Season 1 Season 2 Quotes Season 3
Bart Gets an "F"Simpson and DelilahTreehouse of Horror (aka "The Simpsons Halloween Special") • Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every FishDancin' HomerDead Putting SocietyBart vs. ThanksgivingBart the DaredevilItchy & Scratchy & MargeBart Gets Hit by a CarOne Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue FishThe Way We WasHomer vs. Lisa and the 8th CommandmentPrincipal CharmingOh Brother, Where Art Thou?Bart's Dog Gets an FOld MoneyBrush with GreatnessLisa's SubstituteThe War of the SimpsonsThree Men and a Comic BookBlood Feud
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