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- Marge: I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars!
- Evil Spirit: Get out.
- Marge: What on earth was that?
- Homer: Probably just the house settling.
(Lisa finishes reading The Raven.)
- Bart: Lisa, that wasn't scary, not even for a poem.
- Lisa: Well, it was written in 1845. Maybe people were easier to scare back then.
- Bart: Oh, yeah. Like when you look at Friday the 13th, part one. It's pretty tame by today's standards.
--- (Kang shows off his TV to the Simpsons.)
- Kang: On this cable system, we receive over one million channels from the furthest reaches of the galaxy.
- Bart: You get HBO?
- Kang: No. That would cost extra.
(In the evil house, Marge catches the rest of the family trying to kill each other with knives.)
- Marge: That does it. Children, get dressed. We're leaving.
- Homer: Come on, Marge. You said you'd sleep on it.
- Marge: I don't care what I said. This family has had its differences and we've squabbled, but we've never had knife fights before, and I blame this house.
(Lisa confronts Kang and Kodos.)
- Lisa: Well, why were you trying to make us eat all the time?
- Kang: Make you eat? We merely provided a sumptuous banquet. Frankly, you people made pigs of yourselves.
- Serak the Preparer: (Crying) I slaved in the kitchen for days for you people. And…
- Kang: Well, if you wanted to make Serak the Preparer cry, mission accomplished. [edit]
(With his mouth full of food, Homer stands up for his family.)
- Homer: Listen, you big, stupid space creature, nobody, but nobody, eats the Simpsons!
(Serak the Preparer provides the Simpson family with a bounty of food.)
- Marge: Well, thank you very much, Mr.--
- Serak the Preparer: To pronounce it correctly, I would have to pull out your tongue.
(Homer barbeques on the back patio.)
- Marge: (Groans) Homer, all these flies.
- Homer: Not to worry. I'll just turn on the trusty bug zapper.
(The sound of a few bugs being zapped is then followed by a large zapping noise.)
- Homer: Ooh, that was a big mama! (Chuckles) [edit]
(In “Bad Dream House,” the House talks to Bart in its ghoulish voice.)
- Evil Spirit: They are all against you, Bart. You must kill them all. They all must die.
- Bart: Are you my conscience?
- Evil Spirit: I--Yes, I am.
(Homer convinces the family to stay in the “Bad Dream House.”)
- Homer: Now, wait a minute, Marge. It’s only natural there’d be some things wrong with an old house like this. It’s a fixer-upper. What’s the problem? We get a bunch of priests in here--
- Marge: I’m not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.
- Homer: Don't be so stubborn! We're not talking about a few dollars.
(Homer slowly begins floating to the ceiling.)
- Homer: We're talking about a few thousand dollars!
(Homer realizes that he is floating upwards and begins screaming.)
- Homer: It’s got great high ceilings!
(Homer screams as he suddenly plunges back to the floor.)
- Homer: Tell you what. Let’s, uh, sleep on it, okay?
(Homer throws an orange into a vortex and it disappears.)
- Homer: Hey, pretty slick!
(A crumpled wad of paper flies back out of the vortex and Lisa reads it.)
- Lisa: "Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension."
(In “Bad Dream House,” the man from the moving company finishes unloading the Simpsons’ things.)
- Moving Man: That’s all of it. Sign here!
(Homer signs a paper on a clipboard.)
- Homer: There you are my man. And a dollar for yourself.
- Moving Man: (Muttering to himself.) A buck. I'm glad there's a curse on this place.
- Homer: Huh?
(A scene from “The Raven.”)
- Homer: (Chuckles) Though thy crest by shorn and shaven, thou--
- Narrator: I said.
- Homer: --art sure no craven, ghastly, grim and ancient Raven wandering from the nightly shore--Tell me. Tell me what thy lordly name is on the night’s Plutonian shore!
- Narrator: Quoth the Raven.
- Bart: (Interrupting) Eat my shorts!
- Lisa: Bart, stop it! He says "nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.
- Bart: Okay, okay.
(In “Bad Dream House” Homer calls up his realtor after he finds out the house was built on an Indian burial ground.)
- Homer: Mr. Ploot, Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to mention one little thing. You didn’t tell me it was built on an Indian burial ground! (Pause) No, you didn’t! (Pause) Well, that's not my recollection! (Pause) Yeah? Well, all right, goodbye!
(Homer hangs up the phone and turns to his family.)
- Homer: He says he mentioned it five or six times.
(Kang and Kodos show off the amenities on their spaceship.)
- Kang: And over here is our crowning achievement in amusement technology: an electronic version of what you call table tennis.
(Kang shows off a video screen that features the vintage video game Pong.)
- Kang: Your primitive paddles have been replaced by an electronic--
- Bart: Hey, that's just Pong. Get with the times, man.
- Homer: Marge and I played that old game before we were married.
- Kang: Well, we did build this spaceship, you know.
- Kodos: Anyone from a species that has mastered intergalactic travel, raise your hand.
(Kang and Kodos each raise a tentacle. Bart raises his hand, but Homer slaps it down.)
- Kodos: All right, then.
- Marge: Sorry. Your game is very nice.
(At the end of “Bad Dream House,” the aforementioned house destroys itself.)
- Lisa: It chose to destroy itself rather than live with us. You can't help but feel a little rejected.
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