|
|
|
|
|
|
| |||||||
|
Treehouse of Horror III |
|
|
Treehouse of Horror III |
|
Opening[]
- [first lines, a silhouette from Alfred Hitchcock reveals Homer in front of the red curtains from the exact two episodes]
- Homer: Good evening. I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there - religious types, mostly - who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on, I dare you! [clucks] Chicken! [the screen turns dark, remaining a small white dot] Hey! [footstep sounds]
- Marge: [voice only, in darkness] Homer! Did you just call everyone "chicken"?
- Homer: [voice only, in darkness] No, I swear on this Bible.
- Marge: [voice only, in darkness] That's not a Bible, that's a book of carpet samples!
- Homer: [voice only, in darkness] Ooh, fuzzy! [the dot slowly disappears]
Clown Without Pity[]
- Homer: Do you sell toys?
- Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men dare to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt which I call frogurt.
- Homer: Well, I need something for my son's birthday.
- Shopkeeper: Ah, perhaps this will please the gentleman. [picks a Krusty the Clown doll] Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse.
- Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.
- Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt.
- Homer: [relieved] That's good.
- Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
- Homer: [worried] That's bad.
- Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping.
- Homer: [relieved] That's good.
- Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. [Homer stares] That's bad.
- Homer: Can I go now?
- Grampa: That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! EVIL!!!
- Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents.
- Grampa: [whines] I just want attention.
- Homer: [singing] My baloney has a first name: it's H-O-M-E-R. My baloney has a second name: it's H-O-M-E-R. Oh, I...(screams as Krusty pops out of the water with a harpoon. Homer leaps out of the bathtub and runs naked through the house, his hands covering his crotch. He passes by Patty, Selma, and Marge, who are having lunch. All three of them look on in wide-eyed shock, but Patty's and Selma's expressions turn to disgust as they lower their forks).
- Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.
- Krusty doll: (covering Homer's eyes) Guess who, fat boy!
- Homer: Marge, Marge, look!
- Marge: Oh my God!
- Homer: The doll's trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughin' at me!
King Homer[]
- Mr. Burns: All right, you big ape, get a snootful of this gas bomb! [he feebly throws the bomb a foot and gets a snootful himself; he starts singing] I was strolling through the gas one day...
- Bart: Grampa, why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life.
- Grampa: That's a lie and you know it! (eerily): But I have seen a lot of movies...
- Carl: Hey, I heard we're goin' to Ape Island.
- Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.
- Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?
- Carl: Apes, but they're not so big.
- Marge: My name is Marge Bouvier. I'm here about your ad. "Single white female wanted for mysterious expedition. Must like monkeys. Non-smoker preferred."
- Mr. Burns: Well, you'd be a welcome change of pace from the rest of these crude and uncouth sailors.
- Sailors: Arr! Arr! Arr!
- Mr. Burns: What do you think, Smithers?
- Smithers: I think women and sea men don't mix.
- Mr. Burns: We know what you think.
- Reporter: What kind of show you got for us, Mr. Burns?
- Mr. Burns: Well, the ape's going to stand around for 3 hours or so. Then we'll close with the ethnic comedy of Dugan and Dershowitz.
- Reporter: Sensational!
- Lenny: Hey Homer, cut it out! Come on! Quit eating me!
- Mr. Burns: Ladies and gentlemen! In his native land, he was a king. But he comes before you in chains for your own amusement! Presenting Homer, the Eighth Wonder of the World!
- Barney: Hey monkey, want a peanut? [King Homer picks up and he eats all the peanuts] I said one!
Dial "Z" for Zombies[]
- [the Simpsons head to the library to stop the spawn of zombies; they head out to the family sedan to get there]
- Ned Flanders: [incarnated into a zombie] Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?
- [Homer shoots him dead with his shotgun; Marge and Lisa gasp]
- Bart: Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!
- Homer: [confused] He was a zombie?
- Homer: Spare my family. Take me! Take me!
- [the zombies prepare to eat Homer's brain, but first they check if his brain's worth eating by tapping on his head; they promptly look for another target]
- Zombies: Brains! Brains!
- Bart: From A-Apple to Z-Zebra, "Baby's First Pop-up Book" is 26 pages of alphabetic adventure!
- Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?
- Bart: Well, most of it.
- Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
- Homer: Did you wreck the car?
- Bart: No
- Homer: Did you raise the dead?
- Lisa: Yes!
- Homer: But the car's okay?
- Lisa and Bart: Uh-huh.
- Homer: All right then.
- Lisa: Bart, you cast the wrong spell! Zombies!
- Bart: Please, Lis, they prefer to be called the 'living impaired'.
- Groundskeeper Willie: [using shovel to smooth fresh dirt] There! Pretty as a picture. [zombies burst from dirt patch] [startled] Ah! Zombies! [zombies walk by, ignoring him; he turns and uses shovel to smooth dirt patch again] There! Pretty as a picture.
- Bart: I thought dabbling in the black arts would be good for a chuckle, how wrong I was. I should have never read that book.
- Lisa: Wait Bart, maybe the library has another book that will reverse the spell?!
- Marge: It's our only hope!
- Homer: [cocking a shotgun] To the book depository!
- Homer: [while attacking the zombies] Take that, Washington! Eat lead, Einstein! Show's over, Shakespeare!
- Shakespeare: Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?
- Homer: [turns on radio; music plays]
- Radio DJ: KZMB, all zombie radio. [zombies moan]
- [Kang and Kodos observe Earth from their saucer]
- Kodos: The zombies have the Earthlings on the run.
- Kang: Soon the human race will wither and fall, like the Earth plums we have seen on the Observe-o-Scope.
- [they laugh maniacally]
- Marge: Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
- Bart: Shh. TV. [on TV, there's a thud and audience laughter is heard]
- Homer: Man fall down. Funny.
- Family: [moans like zombies in unison]