Introduction[]
(Welcome everyone to the Simpsons 4th Halloween special, I am here to tell you that the following show is very scary... with stuff that will give your children nightmares. And it looks like that this episode is rated TV-G, due to graphic violence enjoy the show.)
Bart: Paintings: lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to hell, so scary and horrible and gruesome that--
Marge: Bart! You should warn people this episode is very frightening. And maybe they'd rather listen to that old "War of the Worlds" broadcast on NPR, hmm?
Bart: Yes, mom.
Marge: Good. Now you hold Maggie. I'm going to buy some earrings at the gift shop.
(Marge gives Maggie to Bart, who sighs.)
Bart: The subject of our first painting for tonight is the most foul, evil, vicious, diabolical beast to stalk the earth. Of course I refer to--
(Maggie puts her pacifier in Bart's mouth.)
Bart: Mm-mm-mmm! (spits it out, coughing and spluttering) The devil...
The Devil and Homer Simpson[]
(The title "The Devil and Homer Simpson" appears in front of the painting. The story starts on a catwalk. Homer is in the crowd.)
Announcer: The next in our fall catalogue, we love this, it is a vision in raspberry cream.
(We see a model's legs walking down the catwalk, then a pan up to see a donut on top of the legs.)
Homer: Ooh, pure genius!
(The scene fades to Homer dozing in the snack room. He wakes up with a start.)
Homer: And now to make the leap from dreams to reality!
(He opens a box of donuts, but it is empty. Lenny and Carl stand behind him.)
Lenny: Sorry Homer, while you were daydreaming we ate all the donuts.
Carl: Well, there were a few left, but we chucked them at an old man for kicks.
(Outside of the plant, Grampa has a donut stuck to the back of his head, and fights off some birds.)
Abe: Damn buzzards! I ain't dead yet!
(Homer returns to his workstation.)
Homer: Alright, stay calm. Remember your training.
(He opens an "Emergency Procedures" manual. Inside, there is a big space with a piece of paper is in it. Homer reads it.)
Homer: "Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead. Oh... I wish I'd sell my soul for a donut!
(Suddenly, Flanders appears behind Homer, dressed like the devil.)
Ned Flanders: Well, that can be arranged.
Homer: Flanders! You're the devil!?
Ned Flanders: Ho ho, it's always the one you least suspect. Now then, many people offer to sell their souls without reflecting upon the grave ramifications--
Homer: Do you have a donut for me or not?
Ned Flanders: Coming right up! Just sign here. Be careful, hot pen!
(While Homer signs, Mr. Burns watches on the security monitors.)
Mr. Burns: Hmm, who is that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jip.
Mr. Smithers: Uh, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your 11:00.
(Cut back to Homer and the devil. A creature appears, carrying a donut for Homer. Homer starts scoffing it.)
Ned Flanders: Now, remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for--
Homer: (with his mouth full) Hey, wait, if I don't finish this last bite... you don't get my soul, do you?
Ned Flanders: Uh, technically no, but---
Homer: (taunting) I'm smarter than the devil! I'm smarter than the dev--
(Suddenly, Flanders turns into a huge scary monster.)
Scary Devil: You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson!
(He disappears back into the ground. Homer puts the donut in his shirt pocket.)
Homer: Not likely, heh heh.
(Later that night, Homer comes down stairs for a midnight snack. Looking in the fridge, his hand passes over several food items, and he picks up the last piece of the donut, despite several warning signs around it.)
Homer: Mmm... forbidden donut...
(He eats it, and Flanders appears again.)
Ned Flanders: Well, well, are you finishing something?
Homer: Aah!
(A hole of fire appears in the kitchen floor and Homer is dragged towards it. Marge enters the room and her night cap is drawn into the hole.)
Marge: Homer, did you eat that donut?
Homer: (weakly) No.
(Homer is drawn into the hole, but gets stuck.)
Ned Flanders: Oh, your wide behind won't save you this time! (Bart & Lisa enter) Hey Bart.
Bart: Hey.
Lisa: Wait! Doesn't my dad have the right to a fair trial?
Ned Flanders: Oh, you Americans with your "due process" and "fair trials." This is always so much easier in Mexico. All right. Very well. We'll have the trial tomorrow at the stroke of midnight. Till then, you're going to spend the day in hell!
(His pitchfork turns into a plunger. He pushes Homer into the hole, and follows him. Homer falls through a huge cavern, screaming all the way into Hell. He lands on a conveyor belt.)
Homer: Ah, that wasn't so bad.
(He reaches the end of the conveyor belt, where a demon chops him in to pieces. His mouth and shoes are separated and put into a bin labeled "Hot Dog Meat.")
(Next, Homer is in a room labeled "Ironic Punishments Division." Another demon straps Homer into a chair. The room is full of donuts.)
Demon: So, you like donuts, eh?
Homer: Uh-huh.
Demon: Well then, have all the donuts it the world!
(The demon laughs. A machine feeds donuts to Homer, four at a time. Homer keeps eating and eating, and eating. Later, Homer has eaten most of the donuts, and is extremely fat.)
Homer: More.
Demon: I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes!
(The clock in the Simpsons' living room strikes midnight. Flanders appears, as does Homer's body appears in a cage made of fire. His head appears shortly afterwards, and Homer screws it back onto his neck.)
Marge: Homer! Are you alright?
Homer: No.
(Lionel Hutz walks in, combing his hair with a fork.)
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.
(A fiery pentagram appears on the floor. The Grim Reaper appears as the judge.)
Grim reaper: Hear ye, hear ye. The Court of Infernal Affairs is now in session.
Lionel Hutz: Very well then, but first I want to lay some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half-hour.
Ned Flanders: Agreed. Number two, the jury will be chosen by me.
Lionel Hutz: Agreed. (realizing) No, wait--
Ned Flanders: Silence! I give you the Jury of the Damned! Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon...
Richard Nixon: But I'm not dead yet! In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
Ned Flanders: Hey, listen: I did a favor for you!
Richard Nixon: Yes, master. (scoffs)
Ned Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, and the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers!
(There doesn't seem to be enough seats for everyone. Marge brings out a high chair for Blackbeard the Pirate.)
Marge: I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs, and this is the last one.
Blackbeard: Arr! This chair be high, says I.
(The proceedings begin.)
Ned Flanders: I hold here a contract between myself and one Homer Simpson pledging me his soul for a donut -- which I delivered! And it was scrump-diddly-umptious! I simply ask for what is mine!
(The jury chatter.)
Lionel Hutz: That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." (with emphasis) Which is unbreakable! (the jury stare at him) Excuse me, I must use the restroom.
(A long time goes by and Lionel Hutz has not come out. Marge goes to see.)
Marge: Uh, Mr. Hutz?
(She opens the door. He is not there, and the window is open. The Grim Reaper starts the sentencing.)
Grim Reaper: Homer Simpson, I have no choice... but to sentence you to an eternity of--
Marge: Wait! Before you send him to Hell, there's something you should see. (shows the jury a photo) That's a photo of Homer and me at our wedding.
Richard Nixon: Wait, wait, you got married in an emergency room?
Marge: Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding! (The jury laugh) Read the back! The back!
Blackbeard: Arr, 'tis some kind of treasure map!
Benedict Arnold: (snatching photo) You idiot, you can't read!
Blackbeard: Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensating! There's no brain cells left.
Benedict Arnold: "Dear Marge: you have given me your hand in marriage. All I can give you in return is my... soul, which I pledge to you forever."
(The jury debate amongst themselves.)
Lizzie Borden: We've heard quite enough. Your Honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul is legally the property of Marge Simpson and not of the devil.
Ned Flanders: Oh...
Simpson family: Yay!
Homer: Woohoo! (jumps and burns his head on the cage) Ow!
(The judge and jury disappear in a puff.)
Ned Flanders: All right, Simpson. you get you soul back. But let that ill-gotten donut be forever on your head!
(He points and fire shoots out. Homer screams. The next at breakfast, Homer picks chunks off his donut-head and eats them.)
Marge: Homer, stop picking at it.
Homer: Oh, but I'm so sweet and tasty! And I'm all covered with sprinkles... (looks at his watch) Oh, well, it's time to go to work.
Lisa: Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you.
(Outside, the whole police force wait, with cups of coffee.)
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry boys, he's gotta come out of there sometime.
Terror at 5½ Feet[]
(Back in the gallery, Bart narrates the second spooky story.)
Bart: The next exhibit in our ghoulish gallery is entitled... "The School Bus"? Oh, oh, they must mean "The Ghoul Bus."
Lisa: Nope, says right there: "School Bus".
Bart: Well, there's nothing scarier than having to go to school! Ha ha!
(He groans and walks off. The title, "Terror at 5½ Feet" appears on screen, and the painting of the school bus comes to life. Bart sits next to Milhouse.)
Milhouse: Hey Bart, look. Krusty trading cards. The long-awaited eighth series.
Bart: (reads the cards) "Krusty visits his relatives in Annapolis, Maryland. Krusty poses for trading card photo."
Milhouse: Hmm... he seems to be running a little low on ideas.
Bart: Well, at least you got the gum.
Milhouse: (bites it) Ow! I cut my cheek!
(Suddenly, one of the back wheels comes off the bus and it loses control. It steers right into the path of an oncoming lorry. As the bus hits the lorry, Bart wakes up, screaming. He feels his damp blankets.)
Bart: I hope this is sweat.
(He walks into the kitchen for breakfast.)
Lisa: Bart, what's wrong?
Bart: (in a trance) I just had a vision of my own horrible fiery death.
Lisa: And?
Marge: Lisa, your brother's obviously had a nightmare. Don't worry, honey, the scary part's over.
(Suddenly, a loud horn sounds and Bart screams. It turns out to be Homer with an air horn.)
Homer: Marge, look at all this great stuff I found at the marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!
(He honks the horn again. Bart screams and falls backwards off his chair. Later that morning, the kids get on the bus for school. Bart sees Skinner sitting on the bus.)
Principal Skinner: Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.
Lisa: Uh, excuse me. Bart's a little upset this morning, so could everyone please be extra-nice to him?
(Everyone laughs. Jimbo pulls down Bart's pants.)
Jimbo: Hey, where's your diaper, baby?
Martin: (wearing a shirt saying "Wang Computers") Thank goodness he's drawn attention away from my shirt.
(Bart sits next to Milhouse. He looks out the window and sees a gremlin on the side of the bus. It makes a deep scratch in the side of the bus.)
Bart: Milhouse, Milhouse, wake up, quick! Look out the window.
Milhouse: No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear-admiral!
(Bart rushes to the front of the bus.)
Bart: Otto, you gotta do something! There's a gremlin on the side of the bus!
(Otto looks out the window and sees Hans Moleman driving an AMC Gremlin.)
Otto: Eh, no problemo Bart, I'll get rid of him.
(Otto rams into the side of Hans' car, and he rolls off the road.)
Hans Moleman: Oh no, I just made my last payment.
(His car stops just before hitting a tree. It then explodes. Bart looks out the window again, and the gremlin is still there. It starts pulling wires out from inside the bus.)
Bart: Aah! Everyone, there's a monster on the side of the bus!
(Everyone screams and runs over to look.)
Jimbo: Hey, there's no monster.
Ralph: You're deceptive.
Otto: I don't see anything.
Milhouse: Hey! Who's driving the bus?
Otto: Ooh, una momento, por favor.
(As the bus continues to roll along, Kang & Kodos watch from their space ship.)
Kang: Foolish Earthling! Frightened of a creature that does not exist!
(They both laugh continuously, then notice a gremlin on the side of their spaceship. Back on the bus, Skinner comes to see Bart.)
Principal Skinner: Now I've gotten word that a child is using his imagination, and I've come to put a stop to it.
Bart: No, no, it's true, there's a monster on the bus!
Principal Skinner: The only monster on this bus is a lack of proper respect for the rules.
(He pulls down the window shade so Bart cannot see out of the window. Bart is still nervous. Eventually, he lifts the blind up again, to see Groundskeeper Willy staring back at him. Bart screams again. The bus has stopped, and Willy gets on.)
Groundskeeper Willie: Me mule wouldn't walk in the mud. So I had to put seventeen bullets in 'im!
Bart: (becoming frightened) You believe me, don't you? You're my friend who believes me: sweet, trustworthy Milhouse.
Milhouse: Actually, Bart, you're kinda creeping me out. Uh, I think I'm going to go sit... uh, with that foreign exchange student! (points to Uter)
Uter: Ah, guten tag! Would you care for a bite of my Vengelerstrasse bar? I also have a bag of marzipan JoyJoys.
(The bag says "JoyJoys mit Iodine". Bart looks out of the window again. The gremlin starts taking off the wheel.)
Bart: The gremlin's taking off the wheel. Stop the bus or we're all going to die!
(Skinner grabs him, pinning him down.)
Groundskeeper Willie: Take me bridle and lash his hands to the seat.
(It is a few moments later, and Uter is sat next to Bart.)
Uter: Would you like another lick of my flavor wax?
Bart: (does so, then shudders) Well, now that we're friends, Uter, how about loosening these straps, huh?
Uter: Ja, das ist gut.
(Bart looks out the window again to see the gremlin is still removing nuts from the wheel. He looks below his seat and sees a box of flares, but they have been removed - Jimbo has lit them and put them into Martin's pants. Bart takes one, then opens the window, however, he is pulled through. Skinner and Willy grab his legs as Bart waves the flare around at the gremlin. Just then Homer drives past with his air horn.)
Homer: Hey boy! (honks horn)
(Skinner and Willy try to pull Bart back inside the bus.)
Principal Skinner: Pull, Willy, pull!
Groundskeeper Willie: I'm doing all the pulling, you blouse-wearing poodle walker!
(Just as they pull Bart inside, he drops the flare onto the gremlin, who catches fire and falls off the back of the bus, bouncing along. It hits Flanders' windscreen, and he screeches to a halt.)
Ned Flanders: Oh dear Lord! It's some sort of hideous monster. (wraps it up in his jacket, and it claws at him) Aw, isn't that cute, he's trying to claw my eyes out!
(The bus arrives at Springfield Elementary, where is falls apart.)
Principal Skinner: Gadzooks!
(Bart is being pulled away on a stretcher wearing a straight jacket.)
Bart: Look at the bus! I was right, I tell you, I was right!
Principal Skinner: Right or wrong, your behavior was still disruptive, young man! Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a madhouse will teach you some manners.
Nelson: Ha ha!
(Bart is taken away in an ambulance to "New Bedlam Mental Hospital".)
Bart: Ah. At least now I can get some rest.
(However, the gremlin appears at the back window, holding Flanders' severed head.)
Ned Flanders: Hi-dilly-ho, Bart!
(Bart screams one more time.)
Bart Simpson's Dracula[]
(Back in the gallery once again Bart narrates the third spooky story.)
Bart: We come now to our final and most terrifying painting of the evening. To even gaze upon it is to go mad.
(He points to a picture of dogs playing poker. Homer is looking at it.)
Homer: Aah! They're dogs, and they're playing poker! (screams and runs off)
Bart: We had a story to go with this painting, but it was far too intense. So we just threw something together with vampires. Enjoy!
(Kent Brockman delivers the news.)
Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead. Drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. (we see a picture of a cape reading "Dracula") The police are baffled.
Chief Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield museum destroyed. (we see Eddie throwing the Mona Lisa into a fire) Nice work, Eddie.
Lisa: They're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead: Nosferatu, Das Wampyr! (family stare blankly) A vampire!
Homer: (chuckling) Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos. That's "Inuit" to you.
(Back to the TV.)
Kent Brockman: In a completely unrelated story, Montgomery Burns has just closed a deal to buy the Springfield blood bank.
Mr. Burns: Oh, I'm very excited about this deal. (sees blood dripping from his mouth and licks it) Mmm... precious blood.
Homer: Hmm... business deal.
(The family drives along a twisty mountain road.)
Homer: It sure was nice of Mr. Burns to invite us for midnight dinner in his country house in... (creepily) Pennsylvania!
Lisa: Ah, there's something fishy about this whole set-up.
Marge: Lisa, stop been so suspicious. Now did everyone wash their necks like Mr. Burns asked?
Lisa: (moaning) Yes...
Homer: (pulling out a filthy cloth) Sure did!
(The family arrive at the mansion. Homer rings the doorbell. Mr. Burns voice is heard on the speaker.)
Mr. Burns: Welcome, come in. (quietly) Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.
Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.
Mr. Burns: Oh, you son of a bitch--
(The doors open and the Simpsons walk in. Burns suddenly appears, with Smithers behind him.)
Mr. Burns: Well if it isn't my good friends the, uh...
Smithers: Simpson family, master.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Excellent.
(Burns walks off, but his shadow plays with a yo-yo.)
Lisa: Dad, do you notice anything strange?
Homer: Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.
Mr. Burns: I heard that!
Homer: It was the boy!
(At the dinner table.)
Homer: Ooh, punch!
Lisa: Ew, Dad, this is blood!
Homer: Correction: free blood!
(Lisa spills her blood deliberately.)
Lisa: Whoops! Bart and I have to go wash up.
Bart: But you didn't get any on-- (Lisa smears him with blood) --ew!
(They both leave, and walk down a corridor.)
Bart: Lisa, Burns isn't a vampire. And even if he was, we're not gonna stumble on his secret hiding place.
Lisa: You're probably right, let's just go back.
(She gasps as she sees a neon sign reading "Secret vampire room, no garlic." They both go down some steps into the room. There are several coffins lying about.)
Lisa: Satisfied?
Bart: Big deal! It's no different from the basement in Grandpa's rest home.
Lisa: Look!
(She finds a book titled "Yes, I Am A Vampire" by Mr. Burns.)
Lisa: (reading) Oh my God!
(Vampires rise up from the coffins.)
Bart: Ungh, Ungh!
Lisa: Please, Bart, I've seen your stupid Shemp.
Bart: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
Lisa: Yeah, I've seen your Curly too.
(A vampire rips the page. Lisa screams, and the kids run up the stairs screaming. Bart passes a switch reading "Super Fun Happy Slide.")
Bart: I know I really shouldn't, but when am I going to be here again? (pulls switch and slides) Wheeeee! Aah!
(He slides down into the clutches of the vampires. A bat flies in, morphing into Burns.)
Mr. Burns: Well if it isn't little... boy!
(Mr. Burns' fangs extend and he dives for Bart. Meanwhile, Lisa runs back to the dining room to tell her parents.)
Lisa: Mom, Dad! Mr. Burns is a vampire and he has Bart!
Mr. Burns: (in the doorway with blood on his fangs) Why, Bart is right here.
Bart: (in a trance) Hello, Mom, hello, Dad. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
Homer: Lisa, you and your stories. Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells. Now lets go back to that building... thingy... where our beds and TV... is.
(In Lisa's bedroom, she hears banging on her window. She opens to curtains to find Bart, Milhouse, Martin, Ralph and Janey all vampires.)
Lisa: Aah!
Bart: Come join us Lisa, it's so cool, you get to stay up all night drinking blood!
Milhouse: And if you say you're a vampire, they give you a free small soda at the movies.
Lisa: No, no!
Bart: Lisa, it's not like you have a choice here!
(The viewers see Bart smash the window from several different angles. He grabs Lisa and his fangs extend. Lisa screams and Homer runs in.)
Homer: Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sist-- (realizes) wait a minute, you are a vampire!
(Grampa runs in with a stake and hammer.)
Grampa: Quick, we have to kill the boy!
Marge: (entering) How do you know he's a vampire?
Grampa: He's a vampire? Aah!
(He runs off, screaming. Bart turns to a bat and escapes, chuckling.)
Marge: Homer, we have to do something. Today he's drinking people's blood, tomorrow he could be smoking!
Lisa: The only way to get Bart back is to kill the head vampire. Mr. Burns!
Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream?
(At Mr. Burns' castle. Homer, Marge and Lisa walk down to the basement.)
Marge: This is dangerous. I wish we could have found a sitter for Maggie.
Homer: (sees sign for slide and gets excited) Super Fun Happy Slide!
Lisa: (sternly) No, dad.
Homer: Oh, I guess killing will be fun enough.
Lisa: You must drive this stake right through his heart.
(Homer drives the stake into Burns.)
Homer: Take that, you vile fiend!
Lisa: Uh, Dad, that's his crotch.
Homer: (chuckling) Oh, sorry.
(He takes the stake out and drives it into his heart. Burns wakes up, screaming. He then dies and turns to goo.)
Homer: Whew!
Mr. Burns: (reforming briefly) You're fired!
Homer: D'oh!
(The next day, at the Simpsons' breakfast table.)
Lisa: It's so nice having everything back to normal.
Grampa: (flying into the room) I'm a vampire and I've come to suck your blood! (he flies into the fridge and collapses) This cape is giving me a rash.
Lisa: Grampa's a vampire?
Bart: We're all vampires!
(The family all start floating in mid-air.)
Lisa: But no, we killed Mr. Burns!
Homer: You have to kill the head vampire!
Lisa: You're the head vampire?
Marge: No, I'm the head vampire! (she screeches)
Lisa: Mom?
Marge: Well I do have a life outside this house, you know.
(The family all fly at Lisa, fangs extended. They stop and wave at the camera.)
Everyone: Happy Halloween everybody!
(Everyone vocalizes to the tune of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing", as a parody of the Peanuts specials)
(The theme music over the end has an "Addams Family" motif throughout, and the "Gracie Films" music is different: the "Shh!" is replaced by a woman screaming, and the jingle is played on an organ)