|
|
|
|
|
|
| |||||||
|
"Treehouse of Horror IX" |
|
|
"Treehouse of Horror IX" |
|
- Apu: Whoo! Ooh-la-la, Simpson. What can I do for you and your new do?
- Homer: (posing as Snake) You sent me to the chair.
- Apu: (gasps) Snake? But you're dead.
- Homer: (in Snake's voice) I know you are, but what am I?
- (Snake grabs Apu by the shoulder and pushes him into the squishee machine)
- Apu: No, no! NO!!!
- Homer: (in Snake's voice, pulling Moe's heart out) Yoink.
- Moe: Ah, for cryin' out loud. (Groans and dies into the cereal bowl)
- Bart: You've got to fight the hair, Dad.
- Homer: But I look so youthful and hunky. (in Snake's voice) The kid's got to die. (normal voice) But I love my son. (in Snake's voice) More than a lush head of hair? (normal voice) Don't make me choose! (laughs in Snake's voice) (normal voice) No!
- (Homer tears Snake's hair off of his head and discards it)
- Homer: I love you, son.
- Bart: I love you too, Dad.
- Hair: (growling)
- Bart: (screaming) Get off! Get it off! (muffled)
- Marge and Lisa: (gasping)
- Homer: I'll show you, hair! (punching Bart in the face with Snake's hair on it)
- Bart: Ow! Ow! Ow! That's my face, you idiot!
- Homer: Idiot?! Why, you little-- (strangling Bart with Snake's hair and grunting) Don't you-- I'll kill you.
- Homer: (He throws a punch to Kang in his face) One eyed, two-timing-- (beep) I'm gonna-- (beep)!
- Kang: Oh, yeah? Well-- (beep) hyperbolic paraboloid-- (beep) your mama! (He throws two chairs.)
- Woman: (to Kang) You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility.
- Audience: Yeah!
- (Kang shoots the woman with his laser gun and the woman evaporates.)
- Jerry: Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun.
- (Kang shoots the entire audience and the film crew, except Jerry and they also evaporate.)
- Lisa: Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling…
- Marge: Oh please, Lisa, everyone's already figured that out.
- Homer: (to Dr. Hibbert) Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
- Dr. Hibbert: Fire, and lots of it.
- Marge: Oh, that's your cure for everything.
- Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa- pasa- Ah, just Moe. Just Moe.
- Homer: It wasn't me. It was the hair.
- Chief Wiggum: Freeze, hair ball! (after he and the other officers shoot and kill Snake's hair, Maggie picks the hair up and sucks her thumb) Now that's what I call a bad hair day! (everyone laughs).
- Chief Wiggum: (to Snake) Hands up, scuzbag! (Moe raises his hands) (to Moe) No, not you. The smoking scuzbag.
- Snake: (raises his hands, and flicks away cigarette) Oh, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine.
- Chief Wiggum: Not this time, you won't. This is your third strike. First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns.
- Snake: Hey, that was self-defense!
- Chief Wiggum: Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal... Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.
- Ed McMahon: Hi, I'm Ed McMahon. Tonight on Fox, from the producers of "When Shorts Fall Off" and "Secrets of National Security Revealed", it's "World's Deadliest Executions."
- Marge: (after turning off "Itchy & Scratchy") Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons, I'd be a pretty lousy mother.
- Bart: Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!
- Marge: It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.
- Lisa: I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
- Bart: Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next!
- Homer: (puts his arm around Bart) Don't worry, I'll protect you. (in Snake's voice) Little dude.
- Bart: Hey, Lise, we're characters in a cartoon!
- Lisa: How humiliating.
- Homer: (after watching Bart and Lisa on TV) Ooh! How are Bart and Lisa gonna get out of this one?
- Regis: I’m telling you, this cilantro really gives it a zing!
- Kathie Lee: Reg, there’s no cilantro in it.
- (Bart and Lisa fall into the tomato soup, splattering soup on Regis and Kathie)
- Regis: Man alive! This soup is out of control!
- (Itchy and Scratchy also fall into the tomato soup and more soup gets splattered)
- Regis: My- My eyes! My beautiful eyes!
- Kathie Lee: Oh, that's it. I'm going home! Dom DeLuise can interview himself.
- (After Maggie climbs up the ceiling with her tentacles)
- Marge: Homer, do something. The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby.
- Homer: (sighs) All right, I got it! (gets a broom and tries to poke Maggie off the ceiling) Come on. Get off the... (Maggie grabs the handle with her free tentacles, hisses and swings Homer back and forth across the room) Bad baby! Oh, she's entering the terrible twos, all right.
- Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
- Homer: (gasps) You intergalactic hussy! How could you?! (covers his face & cries, then looks up) Was he better than me?
- Jerry Springer: And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child. Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie. (Maggie attacks Jerry with her alien teeth) Ow! What the-- (beep)? Get the-- (beep) baby off! You son of a-- (beep)!
- Marge: I'm so-- (beep) embarrassed.
- Marge: I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
- Lisa: And now he's dead.
- Homer: Come on, Maggie. Let's go home.
- Maggie: (in Kang's voice) Very well. I'll drive! (laughs menacingly as the episode ends) I need blood.
- (Opening couch gag, but replaced with Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees)
- Freddy: I don't get it. They should be here by now.
- Jason: Ah, what are you gonna do?
- Homer: (after seeing Kang and Kodos at the door) Hello- Oh, great. Mormons.
- Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.
- Homer: (singing) Mama took those batteries, she took 'em away. Mama took those batteries, size double-A!
- Bart: (after changing Lisa and the TV screen red) Whoa! Cool!
- Lisa: (Holding the remote control) Bart, quit it!