Announcer: It's the sixth game in the world series, and the current highlights is a cloud shaped like a giraffe that floated by during the rain delay. Oh, would you look at that? The batter just called time out again! Now let's look in the stands with the player's wives. Oh, what do you know! They're talking on cell phones. No doubt complaining about the good life.
Kang: This is the most boring game in all the universe!
Kodos: And with all the steroids they take the players look like freaks!
Both: Freaks! Freaks! [A small miniature version of Kodos' head appears on Kodos' neck]
Mini Kodos: Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! [Kodos bites it off and eats it]
Announcer: And next week on FOX, catch the new O.C. spinoff, Pomona. It's even hotter away from the beach. Mm-mmm!!
Kang: If we don't speed up this game, the Simpsons' Halloween Special won't air until Administrative Professionals' Day!
Kodos: Speaking of which, we must remember to get Dorothy something.
[holds up a framed picture of Kang and Kodos with an attractive woman. They make love sounds. Kang looks at a baseball player blowing bubble gum]
Kang: The boredom is excruciating! Fire the Accele-Ray!
[the flying saucer then fires the Accele-Ray at Earth, which causes the game to go faster]
Announcer: Rodriguez pops to right field as some sort of Accele-Ray bathes the stadium in an eerie green glow. Who woul'da thunk it?
Kang: It's still boring! Faster!
Kodos: But the fabric of the universe itself may shatter!
Kang: Good! Only then could the Cubs finally win! [Kodos makes the Accele-Ray go faster, which makes the baseball players go fast, they turn into a killer vortex which sucks everything up and destroys the entire universe]
Kodos: [after the fabric of the universe shatters] Smooth move, space lax! You've destroyed the totality of existence!
Kang: It'll be fine. I'll just leave a note. [Hangs a post-it note saying Treehouse of Horror XVI]
B.I.: Bartificial Intelligence
Homer: Yeah, a robot son will be a blast. We can confuse him and make his head explode! [robot voice] This statement is a lie. But if it's a lie, then it must be true! And if it's true, it must be... Whoop, whoop, whoop! KA-BOOM!
Dr. Hibbert: And a robot would take your mind off your dead son.
Marge: I thought he was in a coma!
Dr. Hibbert: They're pretty much the same thing, except this way I get to keep billing you!
Marge: You already said that!
Dr. Hibbert: Well, you didn't laugh the first time!
Sarcastic Man: [takes out David] Okay, your robot son is good to go. You want me to boot him up?
Marge: Okay. [the sarcastic man kicks him on]
David: Ow. Mom, that hurt!
Marge: Oh. [she hugs David] He knows how to push all my buttons.
Sarcastic Man: And here's how to push his. [hands Marge a huge manual]
Homer: Now, I'm a man who likes to strangle his kids. Do you think I could...
Sarcastic Man: Sure, let him have it.
Homer: WHY YOU METAL!! [begins strangling David] Wow! The windpipe is incredibly responsive! [camera zooms in to show Homer strangling the windpipe as choking sounds are heard from David],
Sarcastic Man: Yeah. That's the o'sixes for ya!
Flanders: Hi-diddily-ho! There's no bot like a robot! [he laughs and then David punches him in the groin] Oh! Ow, my flander-doodles! [he falls on the ground]
David: Bart, we can be friends.
Bart: Eat my shorts!
David: I will comply. [David eats Bart's shorts and then processes them into a teddy bear for Maggie]
Homer: [takes off his pants] Here! Make me a kitty!
Bart-tron: I'm home!
Marge: You told me he was at culinary school.
Homer: You wanted to believe the lie!
Bart-tron: Time to destroy the one who did this to me!
David: To get me, you will have to go through your fa...
[David holds up Homer...and Bart slices them both]
Homer: [after being cut in half] Oh, those were my good pants!
Homer: This stinks! I've got stubby little robot legs and an ass that's not equipped for an adult diet!
[The rivets pop off and then the robot legs break and Homer falls over] Ohhh.
Lisa: Dad, dad! Wake up, you're not a robot! [Homer wakes up to find he's in bed and the whole family is next to him] You're just possessed by the devil.
Priest: The power of Christ compels thee!
[Throws holy water on Homer's head. Homer goes insane and his head keeps rotating as he climbs the wall and onto the ceiling]
Marge: I'll call work and tell them he can't make it.
Homer: Woo-hoo! [Falls onto the bed on his belly with his head pointing to the ceiling] He, he, he. Suckers.
Survival of the Fattest
Burns' invitation: Mr. Burns is inviting you to a hunting party at his private estate. (sinister laugh)
Lisa: Please don't accept this invitation dad. Hunting is cruel!
Homer: Honey, animals don't feel death. That was proven by the scientists at Black Angus!
Bart: No fair! Dad gets to kill wild animals, but I shoot one bird and I have to go to a psychiatrist!
Marge: He still thinks that hobo was a bird.
Burns: Now, because I am too kind, I will give you all a five minute head-start. You may commence running!
Comic Book Guy: Five minutes of running? [gets up from his chair] Shoot me now! [Burns does so]
Burns: Well, that broke the ice. Now, any man who lives till noon tomorrow shall win his freedom!
Pasty-faced Lawyer: Excuse me. What gives you the legal right to do this?
Burns: You tell me. You are my lawyer.
Lawyer: Well, I guess you are zoned for hunting and you have previously claimed killing people is part of your religion. I think I can draw something up. [cut to the Lawyer on a typewriter] There. This should hold up in just about any courtroom.
Burns: Excellent. [kills the lawyer]
Burns: The game is afoot. [sniffs] I smell fear, mixed with curry.
Apu: Uh-oh. [he gets shot by Mr. Burns] Ah, you got me. But I shall be reincarnated. (dies, then a rabbit with Apu's face appears)
Rabbit Apu: Ha, ha! You can't kill a Hindu! (his foreleg gets caught in a bear trap) Ah! Help me, Jesus!
[we see Homer running away from Burns while Burns is shooting him. A TV show logo appears.]
Logo: "The World Series of Manslaughter"
TV Announcer: You're watching the World Series of Manslaughter! The most violent spectacle since the Hip-Hop image awards! [Shows Lisa and Marge watching TV]
Lisa: Mom! Mr. Burns is going to kill Dad!
Marge: I should have known something was wrong when we got this week's TV guide. [Holds up the TV guide with a picture of Homer running away from Burns. Lisa gasps]
TV Guide: Must Flee TV.
TV Announcer: And now with his take on tonight's bloodthirsty action, here's guest analyst Terry Bradshaw. Terry?
Terry Bradshaw: Well, conventional wisdom says, "Good fleeing will always mean good chasing". BUT the stats say "Put your money on the guy with the gun!" [Shows Krusty being chased by Burns in the background and gets shot]
Krusty: Dying is just like golfing, except in golf- [Burns keeps shooting Krusty]
Terry Bradshaw: Aw, you hate to see that. That's the kind of showboating that'll turn people off this sport!
Moe: Hey, Hey, Homer! [Moe and some of the other contestants are seen hiding in a tree] Burns in coming, climb up. [Homer tries to climb up but bends the tree downward, his weight causes the branch he was holding on to snap, sending everyone flying] Oh you fat ass! [Mr. Burns sees the flying contestants and shoots them all down, except for Moe] Na Na! You missed missed me! [gets impaled on a weather vane] Well, before I die, I'll just scratch that lottery ticket I got in my pocket. [does so] Instant jackpot. One million dollars! If I make it out alive, I could... [gets crushed by Wiggum]
Lenny: [after getting shot by Mr. Burns in an airplane] Carl, I see Heaven.
Carl: What does it look like?
[we then see Lenny's vision: a Heaven with thousands of angels who look like Carl]
Carl angels: Hurry up, Lenny. We'll be late for work at the plant! :(Lenny dies happily)
I've Grown a Costume on Your Face
Mayor Quimby: And now, the finalists for best costume. First, we have Blacula.
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, because I'm black and I'm Dracula, that makes me Blacula? My wife said "Don't go as Dracula," but I said, "Bernice, we live the 21st century."
Quimby: (to bodyguard) Send him the standard racist remark apology. They're in the middle drawer.
Apu: Sucker! 25 dollars won't buy you a half a Balance bar! I exaggerate, but really, my prices are very high.
Mayor Quimby: (to the witch) Wait! Before you leave, we'd all like to know which one of our beloved regulars you are under that costume? Lindsey Naegle? Helen Lovejoy? Old Jewish Man?
Old Jewish Man: No, I'm here dressed as my brother Irving. [sighs] Everyday I miss him.
Witch: Well, this is kind of awkward, because I'm not wearing a costume. I'm a real witch!
Mayor Quimby McCheese: (Being eaten by the dogs) I am not a Happy Meal right now.
Lisa Einstein: (German accent) Oh! Zer must be some way out of zis verdammten spell.
Marge: Lisa, you think you can check on your father?
Lisa: Oh, zat's an excellent use of a genius brain, to look after an idiot head.
Lisa Einstein: [gasp] Zat's de answer, Maggie's a veal vitch now, she can veverse the spell!
(Werebart growls and jumps on the table)
WereBart: I don't want to reverse the spell, I can howl at the moon and eat rats (eats a rat and howls)
Apu-D2: As for Apu-D2, I can go either way. Beep, boop, beep, click, click.
Moe: (after being turned into a giant pacifier) Oh, well. This still beats being Moe.
Moe: (to viewers) Okay, This concludes this year's Halloween show. We hope you had as much fun watchin' our show as the Koreans did animatin' it. But there's one group for whom everyday is Halloween. I'm talking about adult illiterates. For them, trying to read the morning newspaper is more terrifying than any ghoul, goblin, spook or spirit.
Lenny: So won't you please donate a children's book or something.
Dennis Rodman: Together, we can make reading a slam dunk.
Moe: Dennis Rodman! What are you doing here?
Dennis Rodman: Working off a speeding ticket. Happy Halloween, everybody!