Announcer: We're at Game 6 in the World Series. The highlight so far, a cloud shaped like a dolphin that floated by during the rain delaying. Oh, would you look at that? The batter just called the time out again! Now let's look in the stands with the player's wifes. Oh, what do you know? They're talking on telephones. No doubt complaining about the good life.
Kang: This is the most stupid game in all the universe!
Kodos: And with all the steroids they take place the stupid players look like freaks!
Both: Freaks! Freaks! [A small miniature version of Kodos' head appears on Kodos' neck]
Mini Kodos: Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! [Kodos bites it off and eats it]
Announcer: And next week on FOX, catch the new O.C. spinoff, Pomona. It's even better away from the beach. Mmm!!!
Kang: If we don't speed up this game, the Simpsons' Halloween Special won't air until Christmas Day!
Kodos: Speaking of which, we must remember to get Dorothy of this something.
[holds up a framed picture of Kang and Kodos with an attractive woman. They make love sounds. Kang looks at a baseball player blowing bubble gum.]
Kang: The boredom is sucks! Fire this Accele-Ray!
[the flying saucer then fires the Accele-Ray at Earth, which causes the game to go faster]
Announcer: Rodriguez pops to right field as something sorting of Accele-Ray bathes the stadium in an early green glow. [laughs] Who would you think it?
Kang: It's still sucks, man! More faster!
Kodos: But Kang, the fabrication of the whole universe it itself may shatter for this!
Kang: You right, Kodos! Only then could the Cubs finally win! Let's go! [Kodos makes the Accele-Ray go faster, which makes the baseball players go fast, they turn into a killer vortex which sucks everything up and destroys the entire universe]
Kodos: [after the fabric of the universe shatters] You smooth move, you stupid space idiot! You've destroyed the totality of existence of the world!
Kang: It's okay my friend, I will just leave a note. [Hangs a post-it note saying 'Treehouse of Horror XVI']
B.I.: Bartificial Intelligence[]
Homer: Yeah, a robot son will be a blast. We can confuse him and make his head explode! [robot voice] This statement is for a lie. But if there's a lie, then it must be a real true! And if it's a real true, it must be... Whoop, whoop, whoop! KABOOM!
Dr. Hibbert: And a robot would take your mind off your dead son.
Marge: I thought he was dead!
Dr. Hibbert: They're pretty much the same thing, except this way I get to keep billing you!
Marge: You already said that, stupid!
Homer: You saided that, honey!
Marge: Aw, shut up, my love!
Dr. Hibbert: Well, you didn't laugh the first time, you idiot!
Sarcastic Man: [takes out David] Okay, your robot son is good to go. You want me to punch him up the booty?
Marge: Okay, dude. [the sarcastic man kicks him on]
David: Ow, mommy, it that hurts!
Marge: Oh, wow! [she hugs David] He knows how to pushing many all my buttons.
Sarcastic Man: And here's how to pushing for this. [hands Marge a huge manual]
Homer: Excuse me, i'm a man who likes to strangle his sons. Do you think I could...
Sarcastic Man: Sure, let him have it.
Homer: WHY YOU METAL LITTLE!!! [begins strangling David and grunting] Wow! The windpipe is incredibly responsive! [camera zooms in to show Homer strangling the windpipe as choking sounds are heard from David],
Sarcastic Man: Yeah. That's the o'sixes for ya!
Flanders: Hi-diddily-ho! There's no place like a robot! [he laughs and then David punches him in the groin] Oh! Ow, my flander-doodles! [he falls on the ground]
David: Bart, we can be friends.
Bart: I can't be your friend and eat my shorts!
David: Okay, i will complying this. [David eats Bart's shorts and then processes them into a teddy bear for Maggie]
Homer: [takes off his pants] Here! Make me a puppy!
Bart-tron: I'm back, guys!
Marge: You told me he was at west school.
Homer: You wanted to believe the lie to this!
Marge: You never gonna lie to me again, my love!
Bart-tron: Is time to destroy the one who wants to did this to me!
David: You gonna get me, you will have to go through your fam...
[David holds up Homer...and Bart slices them both]
Homer: [after being cut in half] Oh my god, those were my good little body!
Homer: This is sucks here, honey! I've got stubby little robot kid legs and an booty that's not equipped for an diet man!
[The rivets pop off and then the robot legs break and Homer falls over] Ohhh!
Lisa: Dad, dad! Wake up, you're not a robot! [Homer wakes up to find he's in bed and the whole family is next to him] You're just had a nightmare and you got possessed by the devil!
Priest: The power of Christ compels thee!
[Throws holy water on Homer's head. Homer goes insane and his head keeps rotating as he climbs the wall and onto the ceiling]
Marge: I'll call Mr. Burns and tell them he can't make it in the work tomorrow.
Homer: Woo-hoo! [Falls onto the bed on his belly with his head pointing to the ceiling] He, he, he. Idiots!
Survival of the Fattest[]
Smithers: Mr. Burns is inviting you to a hunting party at his private estate today, you can go now man, signed, Mr. Smithers. (sinister laugh)
Lisa: Please dad, don't accept this invitation dad. Hunting is horrible!
Homer: Daughter, the animals don't feel died. That was proven by the scientists at Black Angus!
Bart: That was no fair, man! If Dad gets to kill wild animals, but I shoot the birds and I have to go to a psychiatrist!
Marge: He still thinks that hobo was a bird.
Burns: Now, because I am too kind, I will give you all a five minute head-start. You may start for running now!
Comic Book Guy: Five minutes of running? [gets up from his chair] Start to shoot me now! [Burns does so]
Burns: Well, that broke the manny ice. Now, any man who lives until noon tomorrow shall win his freedom!
Pasty-faced Lawyer: Excuse me, mister. What gives did you the legal right to do for this?
Burns: You tell me, man. You are my super lawyer.
Lawyer: Well, I guess you are zoned for hunting and you have previously claimed killing the people is part of your religion. I think I can draw something up. [cut to the Lawyer on a typewriter] Here he is, mister. This should hold up in just about many courtroom.
Burns: Excellent! [kills the lawyer]
Burns: The game is afoot. [sniffs] I smell fear, mixed with bloody.
Apu: Uh-oh. [he gets shot by Mr. Burns] Ah, you got me. But I shall be reincarnated for this. (dies, then a rabbit with Apu's face appears)
Rabbit Apu: Ha, ha! You can't kill a rabbit! (his tail gets caught in a bear trap) Ah! Help me, god!
[we see Homer running away from Burns while Burns is shooting him. A TV show logo appears.]
Logo: "The World Series of Manslaughter"!
TV Announcer: You're watching the World Series of Manslaughter! The most violent spectacle since the Hip-Hop awards! [Shows Lisa and Marge watching TV]
Lisa: Mom! Mr. Burns is going to kill my dad!
Marge: I should have known something was wrong when we got this week's TV guide. [Holds up the TV guide with a picture of Homer running away from Burns. Lisa gasps]
Lisa: No way! I gonna called my brother!
TV Announcer: And now with his take on tonight's bloodthirsty action, here's guest analyst Terry Bradshaw. Terry?
Terry Bradshaw: Well, conventional wisdom says, "Good fleeing will always mean to good chasing". But the stats say "Put your money on the guy with the laser gun!" [Shows Krusty being chased by Burns in the background and gets shot]
Krusty: Killing is just like golfing, except in golf... [Burns keeps shooting Krusty]
Terry Bradshaw: Aw, you hate to see that. That's the kind of showboating that'll turn people off this sport time!
Moe: Hey, hey, my friend! [Moe and some of the other contestants are seen hiding in a tree] Burns in coming, climb up, dude! [Homer tries to climb up but bends the tree downward, his weight causes the branch he was holding on to snap, sending everyone flying] Oh you fat butt! [Mr. Burns sees the flying contestants and shoots them all down, except for Moe]Ha, ha! You just missed me! [gets impaled on a weather vane] Well, before I got killed, I'll just scratch that lottery ticket I got in my pocket. [does so] Instant jackpot. Just one million dollars, man! If I make it out alive, I could for this... [gets crushed by Wiggum]
Lenny: [after getting shot by Mr. Burns in an airplane] Carl, I see the Heaven, dude.
Carl: What does it look like, my friend?
[we then see Lenny's vision: a Heaven with thousands of angels who look like Carl]
Carl angels: Hurry up, Lenny! We'll be late for work at the plant! :(Lenny dies happily)
I've Grown a Costume on Your Face[]
Mayor Quimby: And now, the finalists for best costume award. First, we have Blacula.
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, because I'm black and I'm Dracula man, that makes me Blacula? My wife said "Don't go as Dracula, my dear," but I said, "Honey, we live the 21st century."
Quimby: (to bodyguard) Send him the standard racist remarkable apology, sir. They're in the middle drawer.
Apu: Idiot! 25 dollars won't buy you a halfed a Balance bar! I exaggerate, but really, my prices are very high, man.
Mayor Quimby: (to the witch) Wait! Before you gonna leave, we all like to know which one of our beloved regulars guys you are under that costume? Lindsey Naegle? Helen Lovejoy? Or Old Jewish Man?
Old Jewish Man: Yeah, I'm here dressed as my brother Irving. [sighs] Everyday I miss him.
Witch: Well, this is kind of awkward, because I'm not wearing a costume, mayor. Because i am a real witch!
Mayor Quimby: Since you not are really technically in costume, you cannot win this award, you witch!
Witch: Rescind my award, will you?! You're all going to pray!
Witch: Taint of newton and scrump of pound, thought shall become the guise of thought are doomed!
Carl: I speak english, madame.
Witch: I'm turning everyone into your costumes.
Homer: Well, are you going to talk about it or are you gonna do it?
Nelson: (mistaken as a Raccoon when trying to dress like the Lone Ranger) I'm not a raccoon, I'm the Lone Ranger!
Witch: Good luck getting your deposited back off these costumes, suckers!
Grandpa: Look at me, guys! I'm a young, and strapping gorilla!
(Starts swinging from the telephone wires, but misses one wire and falls down, hurting himself. Dr Count Dracula appears)
Dr Count Dracula: Let's go to the zoo hospital.
(they fly off)
Grandpa: That's it man, it was sucks out off the poison. Hey, wait a minute... (He screams)
Disco Stu: (who went as Steve Martin) Disco Stu wanna to be dressed as Marilyn McCoo.
Mayor Quimby McCheese: (Being eaten by the dogs) I am not a Happy Meal right now, you dogs.
Lisa Einstein: (German accent) Oh! It's must be some way out of this verdammten spell.
Marge: Lisa, did you think you can look on your dad?
Lisa Einstein: Oh, that's an excellent use of the genius brain, to look after the idiot sucker head.
Lisa Einstein: [gasp] That's the answer, Maggie's a real witch now, she can reverse the spell!
(Werebart growls and jumps on the table)
WereBart: I don't want to reverse the spell Albert sisterstein, I can wolf howl at the moon and eating the rats! (eats a rat and howls)
Apu-D2: As for Apu-D2, I can go looking the way. Beep, boop, beep, click, click.
Moe: (after being turned into a giant pacifier) Oh, well. Anyways wanna to be me.
(to viewers) Okay everybody, this concludes thiur Halloween special episode. We hope you had as much fun watching our show as the Koreans did animatin' it. But there's one group for who everyday is Halloween... I'm talking about adult illiterates. For them, trying to read the newspaper is more terrifying than any ghost, monster, goblin, scary or spirit!
Lenny: So won't you please donate a Dr. Seuss's book or something.
Dennis Rodman: We together, we can make reading a slam dunk!
Moe: Dennis Rodman! What are you doing here in Springfield?
Dennis Rodman: I'm working off a speeding ticket of my car. Happy Halloween, everybody!
