Sideshow Bob: To the point, we are evil geniuses who, somehow, lost every battle we've had with Homer Simpson.
Homer: (eating tinsel) What?
Sideshow Bob: So we decided to form this furious four!
Frank Grimes: Bob, seriously man, one suggestion? Shut up! I mean, the baby is already asleep.
Sideshow Bob: Awww.
Frank Grimes: Will nobody stop these people? (clips from all previous episodes appear and a counter goes from 1 to 600). Wow. In Hell they make you watch them all in a row!
Lisa: (narrating) We didn't have much in Springfield, but we always had water. Then the rivers dried up, and a drought of Chicago Cubs proportions began.
Mr. Burns: Attention friends and neighbors. As you know, I possess all the remaining water! (puts water on a glass, slurps it, breaks the glass and the jar and cleans the shattered glass with two hoses)
Krusty the Clown: Why do we keep reelecting this guy?
Mr. Burns: To take your mind off your troubles, I will sponsor a no-holds-barred battle to the death among our cutest children.
Lenny: Makes sense.
Carl: What sickos want to see ugly kids die?
Mr. Burns: One child from each neighborhood will be selected to compete as their champion. The last child standing in a pile of his fallen chums will win a day of aquatic fun at my personal reservoir! Good luck to you all.
Moe: He's wasting water like a Tucson swim-up bar while I'm bathing with a dog's tongue here!
Marge: Okay, sweetie. I've hidden a bunch of weapons in your suit.
Lisa: (struggling) Uh, Mom, I can barely move! (trips over, accidentally firing a few guns)
(Homish punches Lisa's bow out of her hand and mimics a gun firing)
Homish: (drunk) You just died. (starts drinking)
Lisa: Who are you?
Homish: They call me Homish. I'm your coach. (continues drinking)
Lisa: Huh. It's hard to believe you could coach anyone.
Homish: If you don't think I can, try watching just a few of the hundreds of movies with characters like me. (normal voice) Also, I sober up in the middle with no difficulty just like real alcoholics!
Seymour Skinner: Welcome, children! The Games will begin in ten seconds! Do not step off your pedestals before...
Ralph: Before what? (explosion) Wee!
Clancy Wiggim: (coming back from the bathroom) What? What did I miss? Oh...
Lisa: (imitates a bird) You can come out now, Homish.
Homish: What about all the birds?
Lisa: That was me.
(Homish falls on a trap and is surrounded by other kids)
Lisa: Wait a minute, we don't have to kill each other!
Nelson: (showing Wendell's body) Now you tell me.
Lisa: (to a camera) People of Springfield! We have the power! With all our new fighting skill, we could topple Burns!
Ned: Or we could do it peacefully at the ballot box.
Barney: Ned, that noggin of yours is just what we need.
(the residents of Springfield blow up Burns' reservoir)
All: Yay!! We're saved! (all the water drains out) Aw...
Moe: Ah, we really should have left it in the reservoir.
Lisa: It was all for nothing. We're doomed!
Ralph: I'm a god in this reality!
Lisa: Sure, why not?
BFF R.I P.
Lisa: (crying at Janey's funeral) Why? Why did my best friend have to die!? (sobs) I mean, it's a great college essay, but it's not worth it.
Rev. Lovejoy: We now bury Sherri and Terri, survived by their brothers, Jerry and Larry, and their father and mother, Barry and Mary. And now some light remarks by comedian Drew Carey.
Drew Carey: There was some sort of mistake, I thought I was doing a Microsoft event.
Homer: Man, who'd have thought a funeral for a couple of kids would be such a downer?
Dr. Mancuso-Gluckman: Everything seems big to a child, Lisa. But in a few weeks, losing three friends in two days is something you'll laugh about! And I'm here for you.
Dr. Mancuso-Gluckman: Think of me as your best friend. (a painting falls on her neck, killing her)
Lisa: Aaah!! Ms. Mancuso-Gluckman!
Chief Wiggum: Lisa Simpson, you are the prime suspect in the murders of two normals and a twin set!
Chief Wiggum: Well, look what we have here! Well. (shows her a flask of slarkle nail polish) This matches what we found on the lawnmower and the picture in the therapist's office!
Lisa: Sparkle nail polish? But I only wore that with Rachel.
Chief Wiggum: Who's Rachel? And tell me it's not a computer acronym like Repeating Algorithm for Calculating... Ho... tel... Come on Lou, help me out here.
Lou: No no no. You got yourself into that acronym, you can uh, get yourself out.
Chief Wiggum: Lou, Stands for Lousy, Obstinate... Uh... help me out here, Lou.
Chief Wiggum: That's a nice story kid, but, uh... We're keeping our eye on you. Only invisible killer I believe in is God!
Milhouse: (being asphyxiated with a plastic bag by Rachel) Why did Mom double-wrap?
Lisa: How could you do that?
Rachel: You tell me. I came from your brain, where your darkest thoughts live!
Lisa: Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Lisa: I didn't do it!
Chief Wiggum: Plastic wrap doesn't lie! Except on the box, where it says "easy tear-off".
Rachel: Hey Lisa, let's gossip about boys! Isn't Milhouse so cute? Oh! Of course, he suffocated.
Lisa: Oh no. She'll kill Mom! What do I do?
Bart: (opens a manhole on the cell's floor) You can keep quiet and let me get you out of here.
Lisa: Bart! You came to save me?
Bart: Actually, I deliver little bags to guys inside. Don't know what's in them, but they're sure glad to see me!
Lisa: Come on, we got to save Mom!!
Bart: Come on, imagine a motorcycle to get us out of here!!
Lisa: My imagination isn't that powerful.
Bart: You imagined a girl that's killing everyone in town!
Lisa: Good point.
(Rachel tries to throw a hot iron on Marge)
Lisa: Rachel, no! (grabs the iron) Why can't a real person like me this much?
Rachel: I'm going to kill everyone you love, and they'll blame you because nobody else can see me!
Homer: I can see you! Because I am incredibly wasted.
Sargent Sausage: Rachel, Rachel. You must understand the thankless role of the imaginary friend. When the child matures, you cease to exist!
Rachel: I don't take orders from a hot dog.
Sargent Sausage: Uh... Uh-oh.
Homer: (eating Sargent Sausage from the microwave) At least his life wasn't in vain.
Sargent Sausage: Actually, as an imaginary friend, I can never die!
Homer: Get in my stomach!
Sargent Sausage: Okay, yes sir.
Bart: (running from the bullies) Violence never solved anything!
Kearney: Don't use math on us!
Kearney: We're gonna kill you, Simpson!
Jimbo: And book the funeral in a huge church so it looks empty! (the bullies laugh)
Moe: Can I help youse, gentleman?
Dolph: Just get your broom, old man. And get ready to sweep up some broken boy!
Kearney: And make it snappy! (pushes Moe's bow tie and releases it)
Moe: I rather wish you'd-a hadn't-a done that.
(Moe opens a secret entrance under the pool table)
Bart: Whoa! I didn't know the pool table could do that!
Moe: Halloween show money.
Lenny: So, how did things go in Prague?
Carl: Oh, quite well. I "canceled" a few Czechs.
Moe: We've had our eye on you since your father, our best man, died.
Bart: They said he died jogging, but I never believed it.
Moe: Smart boy.
Moe: We all of us have special abilities. All these years I've been pretending to be the idiot bartender while actually I'm this super genius guy! Now, do you want to avenge your father?
Bart: I'm in. Do I get any weapons?
Moe: You certainly do! Let me introduce you to Q. There it is, a pool cue. That's your weapon.
Moe: Now listen up here. We're getting a transmission from our leader, Highball. He does an amazing Michael Caine impression!
Highball: Good afternoon, gentlemen. I have the most interesting development. We have learned of a plot to buy up all of the world's beer.
Jeremy Freedman: Can I help you with something, sir?
Highball: I believe that cute blonde is interested in earbuds.
Jeremy Freedman: Oh boy!
Moe: Barney, give me what you got.
Barney: Remoh Industries Market Capitalization. Twenty billion dollars and the new owner of Duff Stadium. Tonight they're throwing a free concert!
Moe: Looks like this concert'll have a few guests who weren't invited!
Barney: Everyone's invited. It's free!
Moe: State of the art fingerprint scanner, cutting edge technology. Uh... hand me my toolbox. (he destroys the scanner with the toolbox) We're in!
Moe: Of course. Remoh spelled backwards is Homer!
Homer: It is!? Uh... I mean, it's intentional.
Homer: (on speakers) Attention lovers of studio perfectionism: I've drugged all the concessions so you'll do what I say!
Donald Fagen: Drugs at a Steely Dan concert? I never thought I'd see the day.
Homer: Angry mob, kill the intruders! Steely Dan, play "Deacon Blues"! No! "Royal Scam"! No! "Babylon Sisters"!
Bart: We still haven't gotten to the beginning of the song. But Dad, this can be a new beginning for us!
Homer: You mean you don't want to kill me?
Bart: I love you, Dad. And violence never solved anything! (hugs Homer, but stabs him in the back) Except this. Also, every time you die, I get another semester of automatic A's!
Agent: Everything appears in order, sir. But, uh... where is Master Simpson?