Homer [sits down to breakfast]: Aww, cereal? You know I like my breakfast fried or chicken-fried.
Marge: It's a healthy cereal from Europe: "mues-lix". [Marge pulls the gooey mueslix out of the bowl by the spoon; Homer, Bart, and Lisa shudder in disgust] They also make "juice-lix." [Maggie has some of the juice-lix from her sippy cup stuck to her face]
Lisa [talks subtly to Homer]: I'll get us out of this. Say Dad, want to go see my project for the school science fair?
Homer: No Lisa, [Homer subtly winks to Lisa] but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast.
Lisa: Meet Linguo, the grammar robot. I built him all by myself. If you misuse language, he'll correct you.
Homer: Well, let's put him to the test. Me love beer.
Chief Wiggum [writes down the address]: 1-2-3 Fake Street, got it!
Krusty [voice from the Krusty Alarm Clock]: Hey hey, hey hey! Hey hey! [Bart presses the snooze button] Lazy, huh? Get 'em, boys! [The "Itchy and Scratchy" theme plays as miniature Itchy & Scratchy figures hit Bart with a plastic mallet and axe]
Bart: Okay, okay!
Lisa: Hey, stop! Wait! Ohh, any day but science project day!
Martin [from the bus's back-door window as he rubs his electric globe]: Kiss first place good-bye, Lisa! [Martin laughs maniacally]
Rainier Wolfcastle: My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her. [Wolfcastle takes out a golf club and starts smashing the Simpsons' front car window]
Marge: Homer, help! [Homer has left the car]
Homer [subtly]: Marge, over here. [Marge and Homer drive off, taking Wolfcastle's Ferrari]
Dr. Hibbert: I'm sorry, Homer, your HMO doesn't cover this kind of injury.
Homer [moans]: But I have finger insurance.
Dr. Hibbert: A thumb is not a finger.
Marge: Isn't there anything you can do?
Dr. Hibbert: Well, I could cut off the other thumb for a sense of symmetry.
Homer: Symmetry, eh?
Chief Wiggum [the squad car pulls up to the curb]: Here we are, 123 Fake Street: the home of "Knifey-Wifey".
Lou: Hey Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool.
Chief Wiggum [chuckles]: Aw, sure. Whatever you want, birthday boy. [Wiggum kicks in the door] Okay, drop the knife, "Stab-itha"! [Bart and Milhouse drop the bag of fireworks] Great Grucci's ghost! We've uncovered a hard-core cracker house.
Lou: There's enough Chinese sky candy here to put you boys away for a long time.
Lisa: Sorry, I was rushing because I'm in the wrong school. [nervous chuckle] Can you believe that?
Thelonious: It's understandable. All the schools in this area were built from identical plans. I guess they didn't have enough money to hire I. M. Pei.
Lisa: Whoa, you know I. M. Pei? I. M. Impressed.
[Lisa and Thelonious laugh and snort]
Thelonious: My name's Thelonious.
Lisa: As in Monk?
Thelonious: Yes, the esoteric appeal is worth the beatings.
Lisa: What do your friends call you?
Thelonious: I don't really have any friends.
Lisa [gasps]: Just like me.
[Lisa, Thelonious, and Linguo dance about in a circle while The Turtles' Happy Together plays in the background]
Lisa: Oh my god! It's 11:15! We've been spinning for hours! I've got to get to my school and hand in Linguo! Oh, but I don't want to leave you.
Thelonious: You must! You can't sacrifice grades for romance. That's not the girl I fell for.
Lisa: Will I ever see you again?
Thelonious: Of course you will, at the Magnet High School. Now go.
Fat Tony: Take him out. [Firecrackers and then static are heard over the police radio]
Chief Wiggum: My bad. Heh, I can't work my answering machine, either, heh. Now I need a new informant. Say, Lisa, people trust you. How'd you like to be a snitch? The pay stinks, but-- [Lisa leaves Moe's] Oh.
Homer[while drunk]: Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Total ripoff of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs... they suck!
Homer [pulls his shriveled thumb out of the pickle-brine jar as he reaches a sign saying "Shelbyville, 20 Miles"]: Ooh, it's too late!
Homer [tosses the jar into the trash can, and prepares to throw away his thumb]: Well, old friend, we always knew this day would come. Say good-bye to your brother.
Homer [Linguo's head explodes, landing next to Homer]: What the hell?!
Homer [gasps]: Linguo! Dead?
Linguo: Linguo... is... dead. [Linguo powers down, and Homer closes the robot's eyes]
Milhouse: I can't go to juvie! They use guys like me as currency!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, they'll pass you around like... well, like currency, like you said. Maybe we can make you boys a deal.
Marge [finds Bart and Milhouse hiding in a trash can]: It's all right, boys!
Homer: Oh, thank goodness everyone's okay.
Marge: Except your thumb, and Lisa's science project.
Fat Tony: I couldn't help but notice your respective predicaments. Perhaps I may offer a bipartite solution.
Legs: There you go, enjoy your thumb.
Lisa: As the circulation returns, the subject prepares for a long and painful recovery. [Lisa's classmates applaud] It's lucky for me that Legs was an experienced mob doctor.
Fat Tony: He once pulled a slug out of my arm and inserted it into a stoolie's brain.
Miss Hoover: That's a first-place science project, Lisa. [Milhouse and the other Simpsons cheer, and the class applauds]
Marge:Boy, this sure was one crazy day. [Mr. Teeny hops into Marge's arms] Right, Mr. Teeny? [Everyone in the classroom laughs]
Mr. Teeny [subtitled, as he turns to the camera]: This plot made no sense! Tell the people!