The Loop (TV)
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|Trilogy of Error||
- Ned Flanders: Son of a diddly!
- Homer [sits down to breakfast]: Aww, cereal? You know I like my breakfast fried or chicken-fried.
- Marge: It's a healthy cereal from Europe: "mues-lix". [Marge pulls the gooey mueslix out of the bowl by the spoon; Homer, Bart, and Lisa shudder in disgust] They also make "juice-lix." [Maggie has some of the juice-lix from her sippy cup stuck to her face]
- Lisa [talks subtly to Homer]: I'll get us out of this. Say Dad, want to go see my project for the school science fair?
- Homer: No Lisa, [Homer subtly winks to Lisa] but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast.
- Lisa: Meet Linguo, the grammar robot. I built him all by myself. If you misuse language, he'll correct you.
- Homer: Well, let's put him to the test. Me love beer.
- Linguo: *I* love beer.
- Homer: Aw, he loves beer. Here, little fella. [Homer starts to pour a Duff into Linguo's mouth, Lisa pulls him away]
- Lisa: Dad, no! (Lisa looks at Linguo)
- Linguo: Error!
- Homer: I'm sorry, I thought he was a party robot.
- Lisa: Ugh! This is why I can't have nice things! Grrr! [Lisa goes upstairs, muttering]
- Homer: Oooh, can I have a brownie?
- Marge: They're for after dinner.
- Homer: Ooh, can I have dinner?
- Marge: You can't have a brownie, period.
- Homer [singsong] : Homer wants a brownie, I'm gonna get one.
- Marge: No.
- Homer: Coming in from the left.
- Marge: Stop it.
- Homer: Now from the right.
- Marge: Homer.
- Homer: He grabs for the reacharound, hup, hup ha! He shoots, he sco- [Marge accidentally cuts Homer's thumb off, and Homer screams]
- Lisa [takes an acetylene torch, and proceeds to fix Linguo]: Hang on, Linguo, you'll be up and conjugating in no time.
- Homer [screams in pain]: My thumb!
- Lisa: Quiet please, some of us are trying to weld! Almost done, just lay still.
- Linguo: Lie still.
- Lisa: I knew that, just testing.
- Linguo: Sentence fragment.
- Lisa: "Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment.
- Linguo: [looks around] Must conserve battery power.
- Lisa: Just come on.
- Homer: Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge!
- [Marge calls 911]
- Chief Wiggum: 911, this better be good.
- Marge: I cut off my husband's thumb!
- Chief Wiggum: Attempted murder? You'll burn for this... burn in jail!
- Marge: It was an accident!
- Chief Wiggum [skeptically]: Yeah, yeah, save it for Dateline: Tuesday. What's your address, so I can come arrest you?
- Marge: Arrest me? Um, my address: it's, um... 1- 2- 3... Fake Street.
- Chief Wiggum [writes down the address]: 1-2-3 Fake Street, got it!
- Krusty [voice from the Krusty Alarm Clock]: Hey hey, hey hey! Hey hey! [Bart presses the snooze button] Lazy, huh? Get 'em, boys! [The "Itchy and Scratchy" theme plays as miniature Itchy & Scratchy figures hit Bart with a plastic mallet and axe]
- Bart: Okay, okay!
- Lisa: Hey, stop! Wait! Ohh, any day but science project day!
- Martin [from the bus's back-door window as he rubs his electric globe]: Kiss first place good-bye, Lisa! [Martin laughs maniacally]
- Milhouse: I found something awesome in the woods!
- Bart : Is it a dead body?
- Milhouse: It's cooler than a million dead bodies!
- Bart [sorts through some keys]: You take my sister's bike. Let's see: front door, back door, Skinner's, Flanders', your house... Ah, Lisa's bike. [Bart unlocks the padlock on Lisa's bike]
- Ned Flanders: ...and Harry Potter, and all his wizard friends, went straight to Hell for practicing witchcraft.
- Bart: Wow, sacks! Burlap sacks!
- Milhouse: It gets better; they're full of fireworks!
- Bart [opens a sack]: Bottle rockets, frog launchers, weeping mamas... Tijuana toilet crackers!
- Dr. Nick Riviera: So what are we doing? A lenghtening, or a widening?
- Captain McCallister: Yarr, uhh... let's make it both. [The tire from Lisa's bike with fireworks spins through the window and onto the ether tank] Yargh!
- Dr. Nick: Don't worry, it's inflammable! [The ether canister bursts into flames] Let's keep this our little secret.
- Marge: We've got to get to the hospital, Homer!
- Homer: Okay, if the doctor asks why you cut it off, you caught me in bed with four beautiful women.
- Marge: Let's just say that Bart did it.
- Marge [after rear-ending Wolfcastle's Ferrari]: Aw, doodlebugs.
- Rainier Wolfcastle: My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her. [Wolfcastle takes out a golf club and starts smashing the Simpsons' front car window]
- Marge: Homer, help! [Homer has left the car]
- Homer [subtly]: Marge, over here. [Marge and Homer drive off, taking Wolfcastle's Ferrari]
- Dr. Hibbert: I'm sorry, Homer, your HMO doesn't cover this kind of injury.
- Homer [moans]: But I have finger insurance.
- Dr. Hibbert: A thumb is not a finger.
- Marge: Isn't there anything you can do?
- Dr. Hibbert: Well, I could cut off the other thumb for a sense of symmetry.
- Homer: Symmetry, eh?
- Chief Wiggum [the squad car pulls up to the curb]: Here we are, 123 Fake Street: the home of "Knifey-Wifey".
- Lou: Hey Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool.
- Chief Wiggum [chuckles]: Aw, sure. Whatever you want, birthday boy. [Wiggum kicks in the door] Okay, drop the knife, "Stab-itha"! [Bart and Milhouse drop the bag of fireworks] Great Grucci's ghost! We've uncovered a hard-core cracker house.
- Lou: There's enough Chinese sky candy here to put you boys away for a long time.
- Lisa: Sorry, I was rushing because I'm in the wrong school. [nervous chuckle] Can you believe that?
- Thelonious: It's understandable. All the schools in this area were built from identical plans. I guess they didn't have enough money to hire I. M. Pei.
- Lisa: Whoa, you know I. M. Pei? I. M. Impressed.
- [Lisa and Thelonious laugh and snort]
- Thelonious: My name's Thelonious.
- Lisa: As in Monk?
- Thelonious: Yes, the esoteric appeal is worth the beatings.
- Lisa: What do your friends call you?
- Thelonious: I don't really have any friends.
- Lisa [gasps]: Just like me.
- [Lisa, Thelonious, and Linguo dance about in a circle while The Turtles' Happy Together plays in the background]
- Lisa: Oh my god! It's 11:15! We've been spinning for hours! I've got to get to my school and hand in Linguo! Oh, but I don't want to leave you.
- Thelonious: You must! You can't sacrifice grades for romance. That's not the girl I fell for.
- Lisa: Will I ever see you again?
- Thelonious: Of course you will, at the Magnet High School. Now go.
- Legs: Great idea to smuggle fireworks, Boss.
- Louie: Yeah, I was getting sick of running those unions.
- Legs: So much paperwork.
- Marge: Hibbert's really losing it. We're going to Dr. Nick's!
- Homer [looks inside the ice-filled Tupperware bowl]: We need more ice. My thumb is fading fast!
- Krusty [After his limo stops short of nearly hitting Lisa]: Idiot, you almost ran over a viewer, and she's in our key demo! [to Lisa] Sorry about that, kid, need a ride?
- Lisa: Can you take me to school, Krusty?
- Krusty: Hop in. [to his limo driver] Hey moron, Springfield Elementary, and step on it!
- [The limo driver's window rolls down, revealing Mr. Teeny as the driver; Mr. Teeny chuckles as he starts driving, and a moment later, he is pulled over by the police]
- Chief Wiggum: Hey Teeny, you know where 123 Fake Street is?
- Mr. Teeny [subtitled]: I don't know what you're saying.
- Chief Wiggum: Aw, it's okay. Hey, we got the same hat!
- Lisa [opens the Number 8 classroom door]: What?
- French Teacher [in French]: La grenouille mange le pamplemousse.
- French Students [in unison]: La grenouille mange le pamplemousse.
- Lisa: Huh? This isn't Miss Hoover's class!
- French Teacher [in accented English]: I do not know this Mademoiselle "Oo-vair" of which you speak.
- Lisa: What's happening? Where am I?
- French Teacher: Sacre bleu! What a foolish question! You are at West Springfield Elementary School!
- Lisa: West Springfield? I'm at the wrong school!
- [The French students laugh at Lisa]
- French Teacher: En français.
- [The students laugh snobbishly and derisively with an accent at Lisa]
- Homer [Homer and Marge pull up to Moe's, Homer enters]: Quick, Moe! Marge cut off my thumb!
- Moe: No problem, just stick the old eye-gouger in the pickle brine. That'll keep your thumb fresh and delicious.
- Homer: Thanks, Moe.
- Moe: Hey, uh hey, ain't you going to have a beer?
- Homer: Well, I really shouldn't, what with my massive blood loss and all. Although I do like the occasional beer.
- Homer [as Cletus's pick-up pulls to a stop]: Hey, thanks for stopping.
- Cletus: T'aint nothin'. You and me share a common infirmity. If anyone ever tells you a hog won't eat a finger, they's lying.
- Milhouse: This is where I come to cry.
- Louie: Hey, there they are!
- Fat Tony: Gentlemen, remove your guns from your holsters.
- Louie: Shoulder, or ankle?
- Fat Tony: Surprise me.
- Cletus: [upon seeing his truck hijacked] Hey! Somebody done stoled my wheels!
- Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country!
- [Fat Tony, Legs and Louie corner Bart and Milhouse in a dead-end alley]
- Louie: You ain't going nowhere!
- Marge: You leave those boys alone! Grr! [Marge throws Linguo at the mobsters]
- Linguo: He-elp!
- Louie: Hey, they's throwin' robots!
- Linguo: They are throwing robots.
- Legs: It's disrespecting us. Shut up-a you face!
- Linguo: Shut up your face!
- Legs: What's the matter, you?
- Louie: You ain't so big!
- Legs: Me and him are gonna whack you in the labonza!
- Linguo [sputters]: Bad, Bad grammar overload. Error. Error! [Sparks and smoke start flying from Linguo, igniting the nearby fireworks]
- Homer [removes his severed thumb]: Abra-ca-thumb-ra.
- Cletus [chuckles]: Dang, you could be one of them TV magic queers.
- Lisa [enters Moe's]: My dad's not here? I need a ride to school!
- Moe: Yeah, yeah, we all got problems.
- Lisa [whimpers]: Chief Wiggum, can you drive me to school? It's an emergency.
- Chief Wiggum: Uh, no can do, doll-face. I've got an informant wearing a wire, heh, just like on Nash Bridges. We're trying to get the goods on some smugglers.
- Fat Tony [heard over the police radio]: Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods.
- Lisa: That sounds like Fat Tony.
- Chief Wiggum: Hm, only one way to be sure. [Wiggum speaks into the radio mike] Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony?
- Legs: Hey, where's that voice coming from?
- Louie: This guy's wearing a wire!
- Fat Tony: Take him out. [Firecrackers and then static are heard over the police radio]
- Chief Wiggum: My bad. Heh, I can't work my answering machine, either, heh. Now I need a new informant. Say, Lisa, people trust you. How'd you like to be a snitch? The pay stinks, but-- [Lisa leaves Moe's] Oh.
- Homer[while drunk]: Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Total ripoff of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs... they suck!
- Homer [pulls his shriveled thumb out of the pickle-brine jar as he reaches a sign saying "Shelbyville, 20 Miles"]: Ooh, it's too late!
- Homer [tosses the jar into the trash can, and prepares to throw away his thumb]: Well, old friend, we always knew this day would come. Say good-bye to your brother.
- Homer [Linguo's head explodes, landing next to Homer]: What the hell?!
- Homer [gasps]: Linguo! Dead?
- Linguo: Linguo... is... dead. [Linguo powers down, and Homer closes the robot's eyes]
- Milhouse: I can't go to juvie! They use guys like me as currency!
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, they'll pass you around like... well, like currency, like you said. Maybe we can make you boys a deal.
- Marge [finds Bart and Milhouse hiding in a trash can]: It's all right, boys!
- Homer: Oh, thank goodness everyone's okay.
- Marge: Except your thumb, and Lisa's science project.
- Fat Tony: I couldn't help but notice your respective predicaments. Perhaps I may offer a bipartite solution.
- Legs: There you go, enjoy your thumb.
- Lisa: As the circulation returns, the subject prepares for a long and painful recovery. [Lisa's classmates applaud] It's lucky for me that Legs was an experienced mob doctor.
- Fat Tony: He once pulled a slug out of my arm and inserted it into a stoolie's brain.
- Miss Hoover: That's a first-place science project, Lisa. [Milhouse and the other Simpsons cheer, and the class applauds]
- Marge:Boy, this sure was one crazy day. [Mr. Teeny hops into Marge's arms] Right, Mr. Teeny? [Everyone in the classroom laughs]
- Mr. Teeny [subtitled, as he turns to the camera]: This plot made no sense! Tell the people!
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