Simpson Safari
Trilogy of Error
I'm Goin' to Praiseland
Ned Flanders: Son of a diddly!

Homer [sits down to breakfast]: Aww, cereal? You know I like my breakfast fried or chicken-fried.
Marge: It's a healthy cereal from Europe: "mues-lix". [Marge pulls the gooey mueslix out of the bowl by the spoon; Homer, Bart, and Lisa shudder in disgust] They also make "juice-lix." [Maggie has some of the juice-lix from her sippy cup stuck to her face]

Lisa [talks subtly to Homer]: I'll get us out of this. Say Dad, want to go see my project for the school science fair?
Homer: No Lisa, [Homer subtly winks to Lisa] but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast.

Lisa: Meet Linguo, the grammar robot. I built him all by myself. If you misuse language, he'll correct you.
Homer: Well, let's put him to the test. Me love beer.
Linguo: *I* love beer.
Homer: Aw, he loves beer. Here, little fella. [Homer starts to pour a Duff into Linguo's mouth, Lisa pulls him away]
Lisa: Dad, no! (Lisa looks at Linguo)
Linguo: Error!
Homer: I'm sorry, I thought he was a party robot.
Lisa: Ugh! This is why I can't have nice things! Grrr! [Lisa goes upstairs, muttering]

Homer: Oooh, can I have a brownie?
Marge: They're for after dinner.
Homer: Ooh, can I have dinner?
Marge: You can't have a brownie, period.
Homer [singsong] : Homer wants a brownie, I'm gonna get one.
Marge: No.
Homer: Coming in from the left.
Marge: Stop it.
Homer: Now from the right.
Marge: Homer.
Homer: He grabs for the reacharound, hup, hup ha! He shoots, he sco- [Marge accidentally cuts Homer's thumb off, and Homer screams]

Lisa [takes an acetylene torch, and proceeds to fix Linguo]: Hang on, Linguo, you'll be up and conjugating in no time.
Homer [screams in pain]: My thumb!
Lisa: Quiet please, some of us are trying to weld! Almost done, just lay still.
Linguo: Lie still.
Lisa: I knew that, just testing.
Linguo: Sentence fragment.
Lisa: "Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment.
Linguo: [looks around] Must conserve battery power.
Lisa: Just come on.

Homer: Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge!

[Marge calls 911]
Chief Wiggum: 911, this better be good.
Marge: I cut off my husband's thumb!
Chief Wiggum: Attempted murder? You'll burn for this... burn in jail!
Marge: It was an accident!
Chief Wiggum [skeptically]: Yeah, yeah, save it for Dateline: Tuesday. What's your address, so I can come arrest you?
Marge: Arrest me? Um, my address: it's, um... 1- 2- 3... Fake Street.
Chief Wiggum [writes down the address]: 1-2-3 Fake Street, got it!

Krusty [voice from the Krusty Alarm Clock]: Hey hey, hey hey! Hey hey! [Bart presses the snooze button] Lazy, huh? Get 'em, boys! [The "Itchy and Scratchy" theme plays as miniature Itchy & Scratchy figures hit Bart with a plastic mallet and axe]
Bart: Okay, okay!

Lisa: Hey, stop! Wait! Ohh, any day but science project day!
Martin [from the bus's back-door window as he rubs his electric globe]: Kiss first place good-bye, Lisa! [Martin laughs maniacally]

Marge: Bart!
Bart: [screams as he almost gets run over]

Milhouse: I found something awesome in the woods!
Bart : Is it a dead body?
Milhouse: It's cooler than a million dead bodies!
Bart [sorts through some keys]: You take my sister's bike. Let's see: front door, back door, Skinner's, Flanders', your house... Ah, Lisa's bike. [Bart unlocks the padlock on Lisa's bike]

Ned Flanders: ...and Harry Potter, and all his wizard friends, went straight to Hell for practicing witchcraft.

Bart: Wow, sacks! Burlap sacks!
Milhouse: It gets better; they're full of fireworks!
Bart [opens a sack]: Bottle rockets, frog launchers, weeping mamas... Tijuana toilet crackers!

Dr. Nick Riviera: So what are we doing? A lenghtening, or a widening?
Captain McCallister: Yarr, uhh... let's make it both. [The tire from Lisa's bike with fireworks spins through the window and onto the ether tank] Yargh!
Dr. Nick: Don't worry, it's inflammable! [The ether canister bursts into flames] Let's keep this our little secret.

Marge: We've got to get to the hospital, Homer!
Homer: Okay, if the doctor asks why you cut it off, you caught me in bed with four beautiful women.
Marge: Let's just say that Bart did it.

Marge [after rear-ending Wolfcastle's Ferrari]: Aw, doodlebugs.
Rainier Wolfcastle: My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her. [Wolfcastle takes out a golf club and starts smashing the Simpsons' front car window]
Marge: Homer, help! [Homer has left the car]
Homer [subtly]: Marge, over here. [Marge and Homer drive off, taking Wolfcastle's Ferrari]

Dr. Hibbert: I'm sorry, Homer, your HMO doesn't cover this kind of injury.
Homer [moans]: But I have finger insurance.
Dr. Hibbert: A thumb is not a finger.
Marge: Isn't there anything you can do?
Dr. Hibbert: Well, I could cut off the other thumb for a sense of symmetry.
Homer: Symmetry, eh?

Chief Wiggum [the squad car pulls up to the curb]: Here we are, 123 Fake Street: the home of "Knifey-Wifey".
Lou: Hey Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool.
Chief Wiggum [chuckles]: Aw, sure. Whatever you want, birthday boy. [Wiggum kicks in the door] Okay, drop the knife, "Stab-itha"! [Bart and Milhouse drop the bag of fireworks] Great Grucci's ghost! We've uncovered a hard-core cracker house.
Lou: There's enough Chinese sky candy here to put you boys away for a long time.

Lisa: Sorry, I was rushing because I'm in the wrong school. [nervous chuckle] Can you believe that?
Thelonious: It's understandable. All the schools in this area were built from identical plans. I guess they didn't have enough money to hire I. M. Pei.
Lisa: Whoa, you know I. M. Pei? I. M. Impressed.
[Lisa and Thelonious laugh and snort]
Thelonious: My name's Thelonious.
Lisa: As in Monk?
Thelonious: Yes, the esoteric appeal is worth the beatings.
Lisa: What do your friends call you?
Thelonious: I don't really have any friends.
Lisa [gasps]: Just like me.
[Lisa, Thelonious, and Linguo dance about in a circle while The Turtles' Happy Together plays in the background]
Lisa: Oh my god! It's 11:15! We've been spinning for hours! I've got to get to my school and hand in Linguo! Oh, but I don't want to leave you.
Thelonious: You must! You can't sacrifice grades for romance. That's not the girl I fell for.
Lisa: Will I ever see you again?
Thelonious: Of course you will, at the Magnet High School. Now go.

Legs: Great idea to smuggle fireworks, Boss.
Louie: Yeah, I was getting sick of running those unions.
Legs: So much paperwork.

Marge: Hibbert's really losing it. We're going to Dr. Nick's!
Homer [looks inside the ice-filled Tupperware bowl]: We need more ice. My thumb is fading fast!

Krusty [After his limo stops short of nearly hitting Lisa]: Idiot, you almost ran over a viewer, and she's in our key demo! [to Lisa] Sorry about that, kid, need a ride?
Lisa: Can you take me to school, Krusty?
Krusty: Hop in. [to his limo driver] Hey moron, Springfield Elementary, and step on it!
[The limo driver's window rolls down, revealing Mr. Teeny as the driver; Mr. Teeny chuckles as he starts driving, and a moment later, he is pulled over by the police]
Chief Wiggum: Hey Teeny, you know where 123 Fake Street is?
Mr. Teeny [subtitled]: I don't know what you're saying.
Chief Wiggum: Aw, it's okay. Hey, we got the same hat!

Lisa [opens the Number 8 classroom door]: What?
French Teacher [in French]: La grenouille mange le pamplemousse.
French Students [in unison]: La grenouille mange le pamplemousse.
Lisa: Huh? This isn't Miss Hoover's class!
French Teacher [in accented English]: I do not know this Mademoiselle "Oo-vair" of which you speak.
Lisa: What's happening? Where am I?
French Teacher: Sacre bleu! What a foolish question! You are at West Springfield Elementary School!
Lisa: West Springfield? I'm at the wrong school!
[The French students laugh at Lisa]
French Teacher: En français.
[The students laugh snobbishly and derisively with an accent at Lisa]

Homer [Homer and Marge pull up to Moe's, Homer enters]: Quick, Moe! Marge cut off my thumb!
Moe: No problem, just stick the old eye-gouger in the pickle brine. That'll keep your thumb fresh and delicious.
Homer: Thanks, Moe.
Moe: Hey, uh hey, ain't you going to have a beer?
Homer: Well, I really shouldn't, what with my massive blood loss and all. Although I do like the occasional beer.

Homer [as Cletus's pick-up pulls to a stop]: Hey, thanks for stopping.
Cletus: T'aint nothin'. You and me share a common infirmity. If anyone ever tells you a hog won't eat a finger, they's lying.

Milhouse: This is where I come to cry.

Louie: Hey, there they are!
Fat Tony: Gentlemen, remove your guns from your holsters.
Louie: Shoulder, or ankle?
Fat Tony: Surprise me.

Cletus: [upon seeing his truck hijacked] Hey! Somebody done stoled my wheels!

Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country!

[Fat Tony, Legs and Louie corner Bart and Milhouse in a dead-end alley]
Louie: You ain't going nowhere!
Marge: You leave those boys alone! Grr! [Marge throws Linguo at the mobsters]
Linguo: He-elp!
Louie: Hey, they's throwin' robots!
Linguo: They are throwing robots.
Legs: It's disrespecting us. Shut up-a you face!
Linguo: Shut up your face!
Legs: What's the matter, you?
Louie: You ain't so big!
Legs: Me and him are gonna whack you in the labonza!
Linguo [sputters]: Bad, Bad grammar overload. Error. Error! [Sparks and smoke start flying from Linguo, igniting the nearby fireworks]

Homer [removes his severed thumb]: Abra-ca-thumb-ra.
Cletus [chuckles]: Dang, you could be one of them TV magic queers.

Lisa [enters Moe's]: My dad's not here? I need a ride to school!
Moe: Yeah, yeah, we all got problems.
Lisa [whimpers]: Chief Wiggum, can you drive me to school? It's an emergency.
Chief Wiggum: Uh, no can do, doll-face. I've got an informant wearing a wire, heh, just like on Nash Bridges. We're trying to get the goods on some smugglers.
Fat Tony [heard over the police radio]: Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods.
Lisa: That sounds like Fat Tony.
Chief Wiggum: Hm, only one way to be sure. [Wiggum speaks into the radio mike] Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony?
Legs: Hey, where's that voice coming from?
Louie: This guy's wearing a wire!
Fat Tony: Take him out. [Firecrackers and then static are heard over the police radio]
Chief Wiggum: My bad. Heh, I can't work my answering machine, either, heh. Now I need a new informant. Say, Lisa, people trust you. How'd you like to be a snitch? The pay stinks, but-- [Lisa leaves Moe's] Oh.

Homer[while drunk]: Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Total ripoff of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs... they suck!

Homer [pulls his shriveled thumb out of the pickle-brine jar as he reaches a sign saying "Shelbyville, 20 Miles"]: Ooh, it's too late!
Homer [tosses the jar into the trash can, and prepares to throw away his thumb]: Well, old friend, we always knew this day would come. Say good-bye to your brother.
Homer [Linguo's head explodes, landing next to Homer]: What the hell?!
Homer [gasps]: Linguo! Dead?
Linguo: Linguo... is... dead. [Linguo powers down, and Homer closes the robot's eyes]

Milhouse: I can't go to juvie! They use guys like me as currency!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, they'll pass you around like... well, like currency, like you said. Maybe we can make you boys a deal.

Marge [finds Bart and Milhouse hiding in a trash can]: It's all right, boys!
Homer: Oh, thank goodness everyone's okay.
Marge: Except your thumb, and Lisa's science project.
Fat Tony: I couldn't help but notice your respective predicaments. Perhaps I may offer a bipartite solution.

Legs: There you go, enjoy your thumb.
Lisa: As the circulation returns, the subject prepares for a long and painful recovery. [Lisa's classmates applaud] It's lucky for me that Legs was an experienced mob doctor.
Fat Tony: He once pulled a slug out of my arm and inserted it into a stoolie's brain.
Miss Hoover: That's a first-place science project, Lisa. [Milhouse and the other Simpsons cheer, and the class applauds]
Marge:Boy, this sure was one crazy day. [Mr. Teeny hops into Marge's arms] Right, Mr. Teeny? [Everyone in the classroom laughs]
Mr. Teeny [subtitled, as he turns to the camera]: This plot made no sense! Tell the people!

Season 11 Season 12 Quotes Season 13
Treehouse of Horror XIA Tale of Two SpringfieldsInsane Clown PoppyLisa the Tree HuggerHomer vs. DignityThe Computer Wore Menace ShoesThe Great Money CaperSkinner's Sense of SnowHOMЯPokey MomWorst Episode EverTennis the MenaceDay of the JackanapesNew Kids on the BlecchHungry, Hungry HomerBye Bye NerdieSimpson SafariTrilogy of ErrorI'm Goin' to PraiselandChildren of a Lesser ClodSimpsons Tall Tales
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