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Two Bad Neighbors |
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- Homer: Marge, I'm bored.
- Marge: Why don't you read something?
- Homer: Because I'm trying to reduce my boredom.
- Marge: Well you could hand out these flyers for the neighborhood rummage sale? You get some fresh air and exercise!
- Homer: Ehh, I'll do it anyway. [grabs Bart] Come on, boy, we're going to see the neighbors!
- Homer: Good old Evergreen Terrace: the swankiest street in the classiest part of Pressboard Estates.
- Bart: Well if you love it so much, why are you always littering?
- Homer: [finishing a canned drink] It's easier, duh. [litters]
- Apu: Howdy, neighbors! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?
- Homer: Uh...spray the boy. [Apu sprays Bart]
- Homer: Hey! I never noticed this place.
- Bart: Dad, it's right across the street from us! That fancy house'll never sell. Nobody who could afford it would want to live in this neighborhood.
- Homer: Hey, what's wrong with this neighborhood? [at the house] Big shot! Too good to buy a house here, snobby?
- Bart: Who are you talking to, Homer?
- Homer: The guy who doesn't live there.
- Marge: Can we get rid of this Ayatollah T-shirt? Khomeini died years ago.
- Homer: But, Marge! It works on any Ayatollah: Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi...even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmada and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power.
- Marge: I don't care who's consolidating their power. [holds up something else] Well, we don't need this.
- Homer: [sputters] Marge! That's the Rhinestone Nights Fashion Gun. I need it to rhinestone up my old clothing. [holds up a jacket]
- Marge: [reading the jacket] Who's "Disco Stu"?
- Homer: Oh, er, I wanted to write "Disco Stud" but I ran out of space.
- Ned: Well sir, looks like we've got us some nice items at table Glick! Like this...what the heck-a-roonie is this, Mrs. Glick?
- Mrs. Glick: It's a candy dish, Ned. 90 dollars!
- Ned: Uh-huh... well.. I.. uh...I guess you could put a lot of nice things in there!
- Mrs. Glick: No! Just candy, Ned. 90 dollars!
- Marge: Are you interesting in that motorized tie rack, Principal Skinner? [turns it on]
- Skinner: Hmm. It's awfully loud.
- Marge: Well, you can always take the motor out and use it as an ordinary tie rack. [does so]
- Skinner: [scoffs] But now the ties are motionless, and those in back are virtually inaccessible. Well, it's a moot point, as I have only one tie to begin with. I believe I'll pass. [walks off] [pops head back] Have you sold that tie rack yet?
- Marge: No.
- Skinner: I'll take it.
- Ned: Now, folks, nothing spells "fun" like rhinestones on a dungaree jacket! [holds up "Disco Stu" jacket]
- Man: Stu! You should buy that!
- Disco Stu: Hey: Disco Stu doesn't advertise.
- Homer: [singing] Hey, big spender: dig this blender! Rainbow suspenders -- hey, big spender!
- Everyone: We surrender!
- Homer: [singing] Speeend some dough at table three.
- [everyone cheers and holds up money]
- George: Hi there, neighbors. Uh, I'm...George Bush. [everyone stares] Former president George Bush?
- Everyone: Oh, OK! [mild applause]
- Bart: Wow, a former president living right across the street.
- Homer: Oh, why did he have to move in on my territory? Look at him. Thinks just because he led the free world, he can act like a big shot! Stupid President...why couldn't he just stay in his own state?
- Lisa: Actually, this is one of the nine states where Mr. Bush claims residency, Dad. I wouldn't have voted for him, but it's nice to have a celebrity in the neighborhood.
- Ned: Howdily doodily, there, President Bush -- or should I say, "President Neighbor"! I'm Ned Flanders, and this is Maude, Rod, and Todd.
- George Bush: Well, howdily doodily yourself, there, Ned. This is my wife Barbara. I call her Bar. Would you like some lemonade?
- Ned: Tip top notch!
- George Bush: Okily dokily!
- Ned: Thankily dankily!
- George Bush: Scrump-diddley-eriffic!
- Both: Fine and dandy like sour candy!
- Maude: What brings you to Springfield?
- Barbara: Well, George and I just wanted to be private citizens again -- go where nobody cared about politics. So we found the town with the lowest voter turnout in America.
- George: Just happy to be here among good, average people with no particular hopes or dreams.
- Rod: [worried] But, Mr. President, we're not all good people.
- Todd: [worried] There's one little boy you should watch out for. He's a bad, bad little boy.
- Ned: [nervous laugh] Now Todd, don't scare the president.
- [Bart skateboards by as evil music plays]
- (George Bush shows Bart a photo album.)
- Bart: Who's that, George?
- George Bush: That's me with Charlton Heston. He was--
- Bart: Who's that, George?
- George Bush: Er...see, you wouldn't know him. That's Bob Mosbacher. He was secretary of--
- Bart: That's a dumb name. Who's that, George?
- George Bush: Maybe he thinks "Bart" is a dumb--
- Bart: How many times were you president, George?
- George Bush: [annoyed] You know, in my day, little boys didn't call their elders by their first name.
- Bart: Yeah? Well, welcome to the 20th century, George!
- Homer: Oh, man: I've only got one minute 'till they stop serving those breakfast balls! [stops behind Bush at the drive thru]
- George: Let's see, now...what do you folks have here, huh? Hmm, a "Krusty Burger"...that doesn't sound too appetizing. What kind of stew do you have today?
- Kid: [through order box] Uh...we don't have stew.
- [Homer honks impatiently]
- Ray: Sir, why don't you just have the cheeseburger?
- George: Aw, that's really more of a weekend thing, Ray.
- Homer: Hey, jerk! Move your fanny!
- George: That guy's louder than World War II. Ray, go see what the rhubarb is, will you?
- [Ray goes back toward Homer's car]
- Ray: Sir, could you pop your hood?
- [Homer does so; Ray disables the horn]
- Homer: Hey: my taxes paid for that horn!
- Bart: Hey, where's your candy?
- George: [even more annoyed] We don't have any. Now go away!
- Barbara: George! Older people don't eat much candy, Bart, but I could bake you some cookies if you like.
- George: [scoffs] Can't remember the last time she made cookies for me.
- Barbara: What's that?
- George: Oh, nothing.
- Homer: All right, his story checks out. Marge, would you love me more if I were President? 'Cause I'll do it if it'll make you happy.
- Marge: Homey, as long as you keep the car full of gas, I'm happy. [kisses him]
- Homer: Well, you can always depend on that. [looks furtively out the window at the car]
- Bart: [shocked] Whoa man!
- George Bush: [fed up with Bart bothering him] Whoa, nothing. I'm gonna do something your daddy should have done a long time ago. (Bush lightly spanks Bart) Now go home and think about what you've done, young man.
- Homer: He spanked you? You? Bart Simpson?
- Bart: I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation.
- Abe: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions.
- Marge: Grampa, I know in your day, spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment.
- Abe: And that's why your no-good kids are running wild! [points at Lisa, reading quietly]
- Homer: [furious] First Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun of the way I talk -- probably. Now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! Well, that's it!
- Homer: You owe me an apology!
- George: Hey. You owe me an apology. If you were any kind of a father, you'd have disciplined that boy a long time ago.
- Ray: You want to step back, Sir? You're trampling the flowers.
- Homer: Ooh! Hiding behind your goons, eh, Bush? Well, you are a wimp!
- George: [with trembling lips] Wimp, am I? Agent Johnson, Agent Heintz, you men stand down. [the gate opens and Homer walks in] All right, Mister: you want trouble? You're going to get trouble.
- Homer: Oh, I want trouble, all right.
- George: Then you're going to get trouble.
- Homer: No, you're going to get trouble.
- George: Oh, that's good, that's good, 'cause I want trouble.
- Homer: Then we're agreed there'll be trouble.
- George: Oh, yeah, lots of trouble.
- Homer: Trouble it is.
- George: For you. [walks inside, slams door]
- Homer: For -- d'oh!
- Barbara: [yawns] Why don't you just say you're sorry, George?
- George: Because I'm right! Oh, no, I'm going to fix their wagon good. I've pulled some pranks in my time...[shakes spray paint]
- [A "Two Bad Neighbors" banner hangs from his house the next day]
- Hibbert: I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbors?
- George: No! That's not Bar and me, it's them!
- Ned: Who, Maude and me?
- George: No, the man and his boy. You know, the -- the boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man. Bar! What's the name of the man?
- Barbara: [off-camera] I'm not getting involved, George.
- George: Look, just never mind. I thought the banner was pretty straightforward, but I'll just take it down.
- Barbara: I really feel awful about your lawn, Marge. George can be so stubborn when he thinks he's right.
- Marge: Well, Homer, too. They're so much alike.
- Barbara: Too bad they got off on the wrong foot. It's just like the Noriega thing. Now, he and George are the best of friends.
- Homer: For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy!
- George Bush: Never. You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs.
- Homer: (Gasp) You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs.
- Barbara: It's a shame it didn't work out, Marge, but George just felt this neighborhood brought out the worst in him, and -- [Bush honks his horn impatiently] -- oh, my. Well, so long. [Barbara gets in and they drive off]
- Marge: Bye bye.
- Gerald Ford: Say, Homer, do you like football?
- Homer: Do I ever!
- Gerald Ford: Do you like nachos?
- Homer: Yes, Mr. Ford.
- Gerald Ford: Well, why don't you come over and watch the game and we'll have nachos, and then some beer.
- (Homer and Ford cross the street together.)
- Homer: Jerry, I think you and I are going to get along just--
- (They both trip in Ford's driveway)
- Homer and Ford: D'oh!