Lisa's Wedding
Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
The PTA Disbands
[While digging up the Simpsons' backyard, Santa's Little Helper tears up the television cable, disrupting service in the neighborhood, including at the Wiggum residence. The screen fades to black, then fades to a room in the Wiggum residence. Chief Wiggum and his wife are in bed watching TV when the picture goes off.]
Chief Wiggum: [crestfallen] Awwww!
TV Announcer: [pleasant voice] Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
Chief Wiggum: [peering under the covers] Well, I'll be damned.

[At the dog track, Santa's Little Helper takes a shine to She's the Fastest, one of the dogs in the race. The two dogs have sex on the track while the race continues around them, and lie contentedly together afterwards.]
Homer: Awwww, so that's what's been wrong with the little fellow. He misses casual sex!
Lisa: Can we keep Santa's girlfriend, Mom?
Bart: Please?
Marge: But she's not our dog.
[The Rich Texan appears and hands Marge a dog leash.]
Rich Texan: She's yours now! Once they fall in love, they lose their racing spirit.
Marge: Won't you miss her loyalty and companionship?
Rich Texan: [guffawing] Lady, you're all right!

Bart: Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team. He never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in.
Marge: Bart, don't ever say that word again!
Bart: Well, that's what she is, I looked it up!
Marge: Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me.

Marge: Now I know we love the puppies very much, but I think they're getting to be a problem.
Bart: Yeah, they ate all of my socks! I had to wear Lisa's to school today.
Homer: How do you explain the culottes, boy?
Bart: Well, I have to coordinate, don't I?
Homer: Your mother and I have been thinking of giving the puppies away.
Bart and Lisa: NOOOOOOO!
Homer: Mainly your mother.
Lisa: Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them?
[The screen cuts to Abe Simpson at the retirement home, picking up the phone even if no one is calling.]
Grampa: Hello? Is there anybody there? [puts down the phone] Awww...

Mr. Burns: Smithers, look! He's standing up! I've never seen anything so adorable! You know who it reminds me of?
Smithers: Benji?
Mr. Burns: No.
Smithers: Lassie?
Mr. Burns: No, no. A person. You know who I mean.
Smithers: Snoop Doggy Dogg? Bob Barker? David Brenner?
Mr. Burns: No, no. The person who's always standing and walking.
Smithers: Rory Calhoun?
Mr. Burns: That's it!

Rev. Lovejoy, Drill Sergeant and IRS Director: A toast...to the Simpsons!
Drill Sergeant: And...to the delectable turkey. That's WALKING AROUND THE TABLE?!? [notices the turkey is moving by itself]
Rev. Lovejoy: Dear Lord, it's a demon bird!
[The turkey breaks open, revealing two of the puppies inside. All three dinner guests spit and clutch their stomachs in unison, preparing to leave.]
Drill Sergeant: Simp-SON!!! See you at Reveille! 0500 tomorrow!
IRS Director: See you at the IRS!
Rev. Lovejoy: See you in Hell! [slams the door, then opens it again briefly] From Heaven.

Season 5 Season 6 Quotes Season 7
Bart of DarknessLisa's RivalAnother Simpsons Clip ShowItchy & Scratchy LandSideshow Bob RobertsTreehouse of Horror VBart's GirlfriendLisa on IceHomer BadmanGrampa vs. Sexual InadequacyFear of FlyingHomer the GreatAnd Maggie Makes ThreeBart's CometHomie the ClownBart vs. AustraliaHomer vs. Patty and SelmaA Star is BurnsLisa's WeddingTwo Dozen and One GreyhoundsThe PTA Disbands'Round SpringfieldThe Springfield ConnectionLemon of TroyWho Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)
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