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Simpsons Wiki
Homer's Paternity Coot
We're on the Road to D'oh-where
My Fair Laddy
Homer: D'OHHHHHH! (after hearing that Bart can only travel to Oregon via car)
(D'oh echoes to Moe's)
Carl: Oh, dang, Homer ain't coming.
Nelson: Haw, haw!
Carl: And Nelson saw something funny! audio clip

Homer: Did you know that in Massachusetts it's legal for a guy to marry his son?

Lisa: Well Maggie, I always knew it would someday boil down to just you and me; I'll look for work in the morning.

Pilot: (over PA) Welcome to Atlanta. Please keep your seat belt on until we've come to a complete stop.
Bart: No one tells Bart Simpson what to do! (unbuckles seat belt, which sets off an alarm)
Pilot: (over PA) Thanks a lot, Row 33 C! Now we have to fly back to Minneapolis and I'm very tired!
(everyone groans as the plane makes a U-turn and takes off again)

Waylon Smithers: How much for this estrogen?
Marge: But that's a female replacement hormone.
Smithers: Uh-huh, it's for a friend who's trapped in the body of another friend.

Homer: I'll have the smiley face breakfast special. Uhh, but could you add a bacon nose? Plus bacon hair, bacon mustache, five o'clock shadow made of bacon bits and a bacon body.
Waitress: How about I just shove a pig down your throat?
(Homer looks excited)
Waitress: I was kidding.
Homer: Fine, but the bacon man lives in a bacon house!
Waitress: No he doesn't! audio clip

(inside Homer's head)
Fun Homer: Aw, Come on, Serious Homer, lemme out! We can get a monkey drunk and push him down the stairs!
Serious Homer: (whacks Fun Homer with his gun) I'll kill you, the way I killed Intellectual Homer!

Milhouse: Wow, the valve room. Now we can leave without touching a valve. What a story that will be!

Skinner: To help show the seriousness of Bart's offense, Superintendent Chalmers will be joining by video link.
Chalmers: And joining me by video link, State Comptroller Atkins.
Atkins: Can we move this along? I'm attending an important conference here in Scottsdale.
Chalmers: You're in Scottsdale? I'm in Scottsdale! The Hilton. Room 381.
Atkins: Get out! I'm in 502! Hey, do you guys have any ice buckets down there?
Chalmers: No, we've been using shower caps. (Skinner turns off the TV) Skinner!
Homer: (Homer and Bart laugh) You made that TV show really mad.

Carl: But why you being so generous? You're usually so stingy and rat like.
Moe: Yeah, well you remember that time I tried to hang myself and the rope broke? Well, I sued the rope company and I got a huge settlement...and a new rope!

(Homer's car is just hanging over a cliff, while panicking, Bart walks to the car)
Homer: (sees Bart) Boy! Push down on the bumper, then I can back the car up and save myself!
Bart: (grabs the car) Hmm... If I save you, what are you gonna do to me?
Homer: Shower you with love, because this experience has taught me just how precious you are. (Bart pushes the car down) I'LL KILL YOU!! I'LL KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!! (Bart moves the car up, threatening to send Homer over the cliff) Kidding, I'm kidding! We can’t do that; we have a special friendship. (car down) I'M GONNA DOUBLE KILL YOU!! Then I'm gonna bury you in a shallow grave, then I'll dig you up and kill you again! That's the beauty of a shallow grave! (car up) You sweet little angel! Oh (car down) I'm gonna RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND SPIT (car up) down your adorable little neck (car down) because I wanna SMASH YOUR LITTLE STUPID HEAD!! (car up) Oh, but I love you; we'll go on a fishing trip. (car down) BUT FIRST I'M GONNA PUT YOU ON A SAW MILL THEN PUNCH YOUR LITTLE FACE OUT!! THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO!! audio clip

Jimbo: Uh, I'm here for the, um...yard sale.
Marge: But that was yesterday.
Jimbo: Oh right, "yard sale".
Marge: What are you talking about?
Jimbo: Can I buy some pills?
Marge: Well, maybe someone else can help you, because I'm not a drug grocer. (closes door, then hears knocking) Oh, I'm out of drugs! See how much money I've made?! (sees Chief Wiggum at the door) (gasp) Chief Wiggum! Uh, are you still with the police department?
Wiggum: Save it, Ma Peddle!
Lou: "Ma Peddle"?
Wiggum: It's a reference to Ma Kettle, the popular movie character from the '40s.
Lou: If you have to explain it, it's not good, Chief.

Bart: Oh, my God! My Dad had a long talk with me about this, but you never believe it until you see it! The cafeteria loading dock! We're having pizza tomorrow.
Milhouse: I'm gonna have a light breakfast.

Ralph: (after steam engulfs the band room) I have two kinds of wet in my pants.

Bart: (to the restaurant owner) Hey Stavros, there's a guy in the bathroom trying to dine and dash.
Stavros: What?! No one dashy-dine on Stavros!
Homer: Why, you little!... I'm stuck! Somebody's hitting my ass with a thing!
Stavros: Is frying pan!
Homer: Leave your ass, Homer. Leave your ass.

In Homer's fantasy where Bart is a female waitress at some casino.

Bart: Hey Homer, you wanna eat my shorts?
Homer: *screams & runs away*
Season 16 Season 17 Quotes Season 18
The Bonfire of the ManateesThe Girl Who Slept Too LittleMilhouse of Sand and FogTreehouse of Horror XVIMarge's Son PoisoningSee Homer RunThe Last of the Red Hat MamasThe Italian BobSimpsons Christmas StoriesHomer's Paternity CootWe're on the Road to D'oh-whereMy Fair LaddyThe Seemingly Never-Ending StoryBart Has Two MommiesHomer Simpson, This is Your WifeMillion-Dollar AbieKiss Kiss Bang BangaloreThe Wettest Stories Ever ToldGirls Just Want to Have SumsRegarding MargieThe Monkey SuitMarge and Homer Turn a Couple Play