Fun Homer: Aw, Come on, Serious Homer, lemme out! We can get a monkey drunk and push him down the stairs!
Serious Homer: (whacks Fun Homer with his gun) I'll kill you, the way I killed Intellectual Homer!
Milhouse: Wow, the valve room. Now we can leave without touching a valve. What a story that will be!
Skinner: To help show the seriousness of Bart's offense, Superintendent Chalmers will be joining by video link.
Chalmers: And joining me by video link, State Comptroller Atkins.
Atkins: Can we move this along? I'm attending an important conference here in Scottsdale.
Chalmers: You're in Scottsdale? I'm in Scottsdale! The Hilton. Room 381.
Atkins: Get out! I'm in 502! Hey, do you guys have any ice buckets down there?
Chalmers: No, we've been using shower caps. (Skinner turns off the TV) Skinner!
Homer: (Homer and Bart laugh) You made that TV show really mad.
Carl: But why you being so generous? You're usually so stingy and rat like.
Moe: Yeah, well you remember that time I tried to hang myself and the rope broke? Well, I sued the rope company and I got a huge settlement...and a new rope!
(Homer's car is just hanging over a cliff)
Bart: If I help you, what are you gonna do to me?
Homer: Shower you with love, because this experience has taught me just how precious you are. (Bart pushes the car down) I'LL KILL YOU!! I'LL KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!! (Bart moves the car up, threatening to send Homer over the cliff) Kidding, I'm kidding! We can do that; we have a special friendship. (car down)I'M GONNA DOUBLE KILL YOU!! THEN I'M GONNA BURY YOU IN A SHALLOW GRAVE!! THEN I'LL DIG YOU UP AND KILL YOU AGAIN!! THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF A SHALLOW GRAVE!! (car up) You sweet little angel, I'm (car down)GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND SPIT(car up) down your adorable little neck, (car down) because I WANNA SMASH YOUR LITTLE STUPID HEAD!!(car up) I love you; we'll go on a fishing trip. (car down)BUT FIRST, I'M GONNA PUT YOU ON A SAW MILL AND PUNCH YOUR LITTLE FACE OUT!! THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO!!audio clip
Jimbo: Uh, I'm here for the, um...yard sale.
Marge: But that was yesterday.
Jimbo: Oh right, "yard sale".
Marge: What are you talking about?
Jimbo: Can I buy some pills?
Marge: Well, maybe someone else can help you, because I'm not a drug grocer. (closes door, then hears knocking) Oh, I'm out of drugs! See how much money I've made?! (sees Chief Wiggum at the door)(gasp) Chief Wiggum! Uh, are you still with the police department?
Wiggum: Save it, Ma Peddle!
Lou: "Ma Peddle"?
Wiggum: It's a reference to Ma Kettle, the popular movie character from the '40s.
Lou: If you have to explain it, it's not good, Chief.
Bart: Oh, my God! My Dad had a long talk with me about this, but you never believe it until you see it! The cafeteria loading dock! We're having pizza tomorrow.
Milhouse: I'm gonna have a light breakfast.
Ralph: (after steam engulfs the band room) I have two kinds of wet in my pants.
Bart: (to the restaurant owner) Hey Stavros, there's a guy in the bathroom trying to dine and dash.
Stavros: What?! No one dashy-dine on Stavros!
Homer: Why, you little!... I'm stuck! Somebody's hitting my ass with a thing!