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Worst Episode Ever |
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- Ralph: [after walking into the Adults Only movie room] Everybody's hugging.
- Bart: Milhouse, my friend, you and I are going on a spending spree.
- Milhouse: My doctor says I'm not supposed to go on sprees.
- Bart: What about jags?
- Milhouse: Jags are fine.
- Bart: Wonderful!
- Bart: I must warn you that once this next tape starts, it will not stop... Because that button is broken.
- Ned: [on a classified police tape] My neighbor Homer, he released a radioactive ape in my house. It's taken over the whole top floor.
- Bart: It wasn't Dad's fault. The ape tricked him.
- Gloria Prince: While my son's at fat camp, I cleaned out his room. How much will you give me for this?
- Comic Book Guy: Probably nothing, but let us see. [looks in box] Oh, handwritten script for Star Wars by George Lucas? Princess Leia's anti-jiggle breast tape. Film reel labeled "Alternate Ending: Luke's Father is Chewbacca"!? Ooh! Ooh! I'll give you 5 dollars for the box.
- Comic Book Guy: Oh, please. I saw Paul Lynde do that same hackneyed trick on Bewitched. Try to explode this out of my belly.
- Tom Savini: That's not a cookie. It's a time-release blood pack.
- Comic Book Guy: You're all banned! Banned, I tell you! I- Oh, ooh! Breath short, left arm, numb! Can't go on...describing symptoms much longer! Ehhhhh... (collapses onto the floor)
- Tom Savini: (checks Comic Book Guy's pulse) (gasps) I think he's had a heart attack!
- (Audience gasps)
- [After Comic Book Guy has a heart attack]
- Dr. Hibbert: Young man, you've had what we call a cardiac episode!
- Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh, not even close. If these boys hadn't called 911, I'd be wearing that watch right now. [chuckles] Just kidding. But you would be dead.
- Moe: [to Comic Book Guy] Uh, let me buy you a drink.
- Comic Book Guy: Very well. I will have a shot of Cranberry Schnapps.
- Moe: (referring to the bottles on the wall) Ha, ha...uh, these are…they're just painted on there. Your choices are beer and egg soakings.
- Comic Book Guy: I'll pass! Beer is the nectar of the nimwit.
- Carl: Hey, are you knocking beer?
- Lenny: Nobody bad mouths Duff! (smashes a bottle, but it shatters in his hand) Aw, piece of crap!
- Comic Book Guy: Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning I'd befriend an air conditioner.
- Moe: Oh now he's ragging on air conditioners.
- Carl: Hey they keep us cool in the summer, pal.
- Lenny: Get him!
- Agnes: Out of the way, Tubby.
- Comic Book Guy: Oh pardon me, Oldie Hawn.
- Agnes: Uh. Why you ill-mannered sack of crap!
- Comic Book Guy: Oh goodie. Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.
- Agnes: You are the rudest man who ever… [nicely] bought me dinner!
- Comic Book Guy: Correction. I do not believe I ever bought you…oh!
- Lisa: Milhouse, I'm impressed. The store is so busy; you and Bart are really great businessmen.
- Milhouse: Well, I'm really the brains. Bart's just the eye candy.
- Bart: [to Milhouse] Oh, it's my fault for leaving you in charge. Sometimes, I forget how young you are.
- Milhouse: I'm only three months younger than you.
- Bart: Oh, look, you're getting cranky. You haven't had your juice.
- Milhouse: Well, my straw broke off in the carton... that's not the point! We're supposed to be partners, and you're pushing me around like a Playskool corn popper!
- Bart: [to Milhouse] How could you spend all our money on a comic book published by Lenscrafters? We'll never sell these. Birds won't even use them in their nests.
- [A crow flies in, carrying an issue of "Biclops;” shreds it on the floor, caws at the boys, and flies away]
- Mr. Rogers: [drunk] What do you mean I can't take off my sweater? I'm hot!
- Chief Wiggum: Well, well, well. This place's got more pirated tapes than a ...
- Lou: A Chinese K-Mart?
- Chief Wiggum: Well, that'll have to do. [to Milhouse] Uh, these yours, son?
- Milhouse: No, sir. We're just exhibiting them for profit without permission.
- Chief Wiggum: Fair enough. But the owner is in more hot water than ...
- Lou: A Japanese teabag?
- Chief Wiggum: Why don't you lay off the Asians, Lou?
- Milhouse: Well, we may not have the store, but at least we're friends again.
- Bart: Yup. And, we haven't been to school in days and days and days.
- Flanders: Look, if you want me to turn, just point. That... [The ape smacks Flanders] It's one way! [The ape smacks Flanders] Now, what was that for?