Ralph: [after walking into the Adults Only movie room] Everybody's hugging.
Bart: Milhouse, my friend, you and I are going on a spending spree.
Milhouse: My doctor says I'm not supposed to go on sprees.
Bart: What about jags?
Milhouse: Jags are fine.
Bart: I must warn you that once this next tape starts, it will not stop... Because that button is broken.
Ned: [on a classified police tape] My neighbor Homer, he released a radioactive ape in my house. It's taken over the whole top floor.
Bart: It wasn't Dad's fault, the ape tricked him.
Martha Prince: While my son's at fat camp, I cleaned out his room. How much will you give me for this?
Comic Book Guy: Probably nothing, but let us see. [looks in box] Oh, handwritten script for Star Wars by George Lucas? Princess Leia's anti-jiggle breast tape. Film reel labeled "Alternate Ending: Luke's Father is Chewbacca"!? Ooh! Ooh! I'll give you 5 dollars for the box.
Comic Book Guy: Oh, please. I saw Paul Lynde do that same hackneyed trick on Bewitched. Try to explode this out of my belly.
Tom Savini: That's not a cookie. It's a time-release blood pack.
Comic Book Guy: You're all banned! Banned, I tell you! I- Oh, ooh! Breath short, left arm, numb! Can't go on...describing symptoms much longer! Ehhhhh... (collapses onto the floor)
Tom Savini:(checks Comic Book Guy's pulse)(gasps) I think he's had a heart attack!
[After Comic Book Guy has a heart attack]
Dr. Hibbert: Young man, you've had what we call a cardiac episode!
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, not even close. If these boys hadn't called 911, I'd be wearing that watch right now. [chuckles] Just kidding. But you would be dead.
Moe: [to Comic Book Guy] Uh, let me buy you a drink.
Comic Book Guy: Very well. I will have a shot of Cranberry Schnapps.
Moe: (referring to the bottles on the wall) Ha, ha...uh, these are…they're just painted on there. Your choices are beer and egg soakings.
Comic Book Guy: I'll pass! Beer is the nectar of the nimwit.
Carl: Hey, are you knocking beer?
Lenny: Nobody bad mouths Duff! (smashes a bottle, but it shatters in his hand) Aw, piece of crap!
Comic Book Guy: Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning I'd befriend an air conditioner.
Moe: Oh now he's ragging on air conditioners.
Carl: Hey they keep us cool in the summer, pal.
Lenny: Get him!
Agnes: Out of the way, Tubby.
Comic Book Guy: Oh pardon me, Oldie Hawn.
Agnes: Uh. Why you ill-mannered sack of crap!
Comic Book Guy: Oh goodie. Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.
Agnes: You are the rudest man who ever… [nicely] bought me dinner!
Comic Book Guy: Correction. I do not believe I ever bought you…oh!
Lisa: Milhouse, I'm impressed. The store is so busy; you and Bart are really great businessmen.
Milhouse: Well, I'm really the brains. Bart's just the eye candy.
Bart: [to Milhouse] Oh, it's my fault for leaving you in charge. Sometimes, I forget how young you are.
Milhouse: I'm only three months younger than you.
Bart: Oh, look, you're getting cranky. You haven't had your juice.
Milhouse: Well, my straw broke off in the carton...that's not the point!
Bart: [to Milhouse] How could you spend all our money on a comic book published by Lenscrafters? We'll never sell these. Birds won't even use them in their nests.
[A crow flies in, carrying an issue of "Biclops;” shreds it on the floor, caws at the boys, and flies away]
Mr. Rogers: [drunk] What do you mean I can't take off my sweater? I'm hot!
Chief Wiggum: Well, well, well. This place's got more pirated tapes than a ...
Lou: A Chinese K-Mart?
Chief Wiggum: Well, that'll have to do. [to Milhouse] Uh, these yours, son?
Milhouse: No, sir. We're just exhibiting them for profit without permission.
Chief Wiggum: Fair enough. But the owner is in more hot water than ...
Lou: A Japanese teabag?
Chief Wiggum: Why don't you lay off the Asians, Lou?
Milhouse: Well, we may not have the store, but at least we're friends again.
Bart: Yup. And, we haven't been to school in days and days and days.
(the radioactive ape sits in the passenger seat of Flanders' car, and Flanders is driving. The ape turns to Flanders, screeches, and smacks Flanders in the back of his head.)
Flanders: (turns to the ape) Look, if you want me to turn, just point. That... (The ape smacks Flanders in the back of his head again, and makes him turn the wrong way down a one way street.) It's one way! (The ape keeps on smacking Flanders.) Now, what was that for? (Episode ends.)