(Smithers jauntily steps out of his apartment, puts a hat on, and locks the door.)
Smithers: (singing to himself, to the tune of "Hooray for Hollywood") I work for Monty Burns, Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh Monty Burns...(hums)
(A fancy limo pulls up to him and the rear window rolls down)
Globex Worker: Mr. Smithers? May we offer you a ride to work?
Smithers: Heh-heh! No, thank you. (keeps strolling, but the limo catches up)
Globex Worker: We're from Globex Corporation. We'd like to talk to you about an exciting employment opportunity in our nuclear division!
Smithers: (tips his hat) Flattered, but spoken for.
Globex Worker: We're prepared to offer you an impressive salary, plus health benefits for you and your life partner!
Smithers: (angrily) The answer is no! What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?! (storms away)
(After the family has watched the video on Cypress Creek)
Marge: It does seem nicer than Springfield.
Lisa: Yeah... did you notice how the people weren't shoving or knocking each other down? I've never been to a place like that before...
(Bart shoves her aside.)
Bart: Me neither.
(The Simpsons try to sell their home. Apu is at the door.)
Apu: Hello. I'm not interested in buying your house. But I would like to use your restroom, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items, and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels! (runs off)
Homer: (Mimicking Apu's accent) Thank you, come again!
Scorpio: You don't like these shoes; then neither do I! [throws them away] Get the Hell out of here!
Scorpio: Good afternoon gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the doomsday device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold. Or you face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this... [blows up bridge]
UN member #1: Oh, my God! The 59th Street Bridge!
UN member #2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.
UN member #1: We can't take that chance.
UN member #2: You always say that. I want to take a chance!
Scorpio: By the way, Homer. What's your least favorite country, Italy or France?
Scorpio: Don't call me that word. I don't like things that elevate me above the other people. I'm just like you. Oh sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more, and I take longer vacations, but I don't like the word "boss."
Scorpio: I expect nothing from you, except to die and be a very cheap funeral. You're gonna die now!
Marge: Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush.
Scorpio: We don't have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn't rush. They'd be allowed to go at their own pace.
Scorpio: Your job will be to manage and motivate them. Give 'em the benefit of your years of experience.
Homer: Don't worry, that won't take long.
[While watching a Cypress Creek promotional video]
Narrator: Cypress Creek: A tale of one city.
Homer: (bored) Uh, let’s watch something else.
Marge: Homer, you're trying to talk us into moving to this place.
Homer: Oh yeah, that's right. Let’s watch this.
Homer: Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.
Marge: You took a new job in a strange town without discussing it with your family?
Homer: Of course not. I wouldn't do that! (pause) Why not?
Marge: We have roots here, Homer. We have friends and family and library cards ... Bart's lawyer is here!
Homer: I can't buy that. Only management guys with big salaries like me can afford that… guys like me! I'm a guy like me!
Scorpio [to Homer]: Hey, before we continue our tour, would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall, please?
Homer: (looks around the room) Mmmhmm. Umuhh now, let's see now. Uuummm.
Scorpio: Ahaha. Relax, Homer, at Globex we don't believe in walls. In fact, I didn't even give you my coat! (wears the coat backwards)
Lisa: It says here one of these giant redwood trees can provide enough sawdust to cover an entire day's worth of vomit at Disneyland!
Homer: I tackled a loafer at work today. (silence) Hey! What's with your sad sacks?
Lisa: (with her voice muffled because of the allergies) I'm allergic to everything here! My nose is so stuffed up, I can't even taste Mom's delicious boiled celery.
Marge: I've been so bored since we moved here I found myself drinking a glass of wine every day. I know doctors say you should drink a glass and a half, but I just can't drink that much.
Homer: Well, the Simpson men are doing fine, right, Bart? You haven't even gotten in trouble at school!
Bart: I can't get in trouble at school. They put me in the remedial class. I'm surrounded by arsonists and kids with mittens pinned to their jackets all year round. (they stare at each other) Hey, Dad:
Marge, Bart and Lisa: We want to go back to Springfield.
[When Bart is in the "Leg-Up Program"]
Bart [to Gordy]: So what are you in for?
Gordy: I moved here from Canada and they think I'm slow, eh?
Dot: I fell off the jungle gym and when I woke up I was in here.
Warren: I start fires.
Scorpio: My ass is for sitting, not for kissing.
Smithers: What's wrong with this country!? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?
Scorpio: If you need anything you call me!
Homer: Allright. What's the number?
Scorpio: I never had to call my own company. (explosions happen on the backgroung and Scorpio grabs a flamethrower) Someone will tell you upstairs. But Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, that would help me a lot. (Scorpio attacks the invading soldiers with fire while Homer sadly leaves the building)
[The whole town are bidding the Simpsons farewell]
Lawyer: So long!
Lovejoy: God bless you!
Frink: See ya, ma-hey.
Barney: Bye-bye, Homer!
Moe: Take care!
Bumblebee Man: Adiós!
Krusty: So long!
Sideshow Mel: Fare-thee well!
Sea Captain: Arr, bon voyage.
Jeffery Albertson: Toodle-oo!
Quimby: Uh, so long.
Dr. Nick: Bye, everybody.
Snake: Sayonara, dudes.
Wiggum: So long.
Elementary Kids: Bye-bye.
Agnes: Bye-bye, now
Otto: See ya.
"Scorpio" Song Lyrics
He'll sting you with his dreams of power and wealth!
Beware of Scorpio!
His twisted twin obsessions are his plot to rule the world
And his employees' health!
He'll welcome you into his lair
Like the nobleman welcomes his guest!
With free dental care and a stock plan that helps you invest!
But beware of his generous pensions
Plus three weeks paid vacation each year!
And on Fridays the lunchroom serves hot dogs and burgers and beer!